Wilted Words

I'm made of flesh, of blood and bones.  and a lot more than just those.  I'm disappointment, fear and regret all at once,  a rushing mind and a lazy body.  all my stocked words, and my unfinished  foggy thoughts, all the things I yearn for, all the experiences I long to share with someone. my unidentifiable sadness, and irrational tears, all my genuine crooked smiles, and loud noisy laughs. all the things I think about, and the things that never cross my mind. all my high hopes and childish dreams. some days, I just feel like the world is too small for me, like a prisoner in my own ribcage. I always have the feeling of longing hovering over my head. Like a gray cloud that no one can see. I exhaust my mind with unnecessary intersecting thoughts. or it does that to me. it does not matter. because I misplaced abstracts that I can no longer find.

Velvet petals, with droplets of dew lying lazily in randomness, drizzled every morning, with care and love and undying attachment. Velvet Petals,  with bent edges, and unrivalled softness, a snow covered plain, is non-compared to the spotless pure white of yours. Velvet petals, in a neat clipped corsage, blossoming happiness, a rich redolent scent, sweet promises held in them, embalming the air around me. Velvet petals, patience leaked out of your vases, stop feigning ignorance you knew who you were meant to, we're almost there, I can't turn back, so stand tall and stay strong, before you wilt down and turn black.

It took me forever to feel safe again. But I had to pay a price, This rare security, I couldn't find it around people. It's something I only obtain when I am alone. And if that meant for lonliness to creep it way across my heart like ivory so be it. I can't take another disappointment. I can't stand another loss. Never being enough? You really don't know how it exhausting it is, How much I wanted your heart, I guess that wasn't too much to ask for. I demanded the truth and all I got was illegible rambles that reflected how messed up you were. I was not my place to fix you, I didn't want to fix you at all. I loved your knotty thoughts and tangled feelings. I just wanted to caress your soul with warmth, to inject pink into your gray aura, to teach you how to love again. You were rendered. You rendered me, and I hope you remember me.

The truth doesn't matter now. It didn't matter then, and it wouldn't make any difference now. Everything in this life is about perception, how you see things, how you sense them, and how you understand them. Truth is relative. Just like time. Is hiding the truth worse than lying? That's relative too. It's and empty circle, after all that's what circles do, they start at one point and end at the very same point. Just a wast of time. Diameters change, but it only affects the size of the circle. Still a circle nonetheless.

In complete submission, I wave my white flag. Before you blame me, hear my story, or walk a mile in my shoes. or you know what? never mind. it doesn't matter anymore. I am giving up, and for the first time in my life I'm taking a step back instead of throwing myself in.  Because I know what's waiting on the other side, mass chaos and complete destruction, I can't live in constant war. That's why I don't want you anymore. I've seen how battles changes people, I've seen the aftermath and casualties that these kind of wars leave behind, and I have been through enough already, you of all people know. Sometimes I think it wasn't even about you, I don't want to take the blame, but it's not your fault that I don't know how to be loved. it's not your mistake that I fall without parachutes, I'd rather lose my heart rather than losing my mind while trying to find answers, trying to wrap it around the fact that I wasn't ...

The same moon hangs up in the same sky every single night. it looks down upon the Earth, observing and inspecting the scenes scattered here and there. where sadness washes over happiness, embraces it like a long lost lover, where love sneakes around, hiding inside fragile hearts and thick shields of protection, where mercy and cruelty collide, in a cynical unity, a woman's screams of pain while giving birth, equivelant to another's screams over the death of a child. yet the moon stands there in the vast space and does what it has to do, a by-stander walking down a crime scene. I'm nothing but a moon, watching the world from a distance, only then I realise how insignicant I am. and I wonder how sometiems, I feel so caught up in my own distress, imprisoned in a bubble of my own making. it won't do me any good if I step outside. I often forget that the world has horrible problems, far worse than my lack of fortune.  I forget th...

First, I need to get out of here, I am already at the door, just when I'm seconds away from dashing out, making my great escape, a low whimper, a soft whisper, forced me to turn back, please forgive me, I have only a moment to reflect on the pain before it engulfs me, The accompanying humiliation will not allow me much more than that, I am so stunned, that for a minute I can't even move, I've been holding my breathe, I'm pressing my fist to my mouth, to stifle a scream, I press my habds on my ears, and I squeeze my eyes shut, maybe if I can't hear the voices anymore, maybe if I can't see those shadows, it will all go away, but truth is, I'm nothing but a coward, I can't run away, and sometimes I wonder why I insist on keeping myself alive. I take another steady breathe, it doesn't calm me down, you'll be alright, I promise, a sweet voice, commanding me, not giving me a choice, how can sour lies not affect the melodiou...

Mediocre, dull and plain, Faded,  Like the color of your jeans, With a heart, buried in the sand, pumping pain,  and lost in wild dreams. With a mind full of tangles and thoughts,  Knotted,  In millions of ties.  With a soul yearning for the space,  And a body rooted in the ground.  I am the words I didn't mean, and the mistakes I didn't apologize for,  a combination of what I was and what I'm trying to be, I am what I feel, and who I fell for.  I am what I working so hard to achieve,  And what I'm hoping for.  I am my constant sadness,  and my temporary happiness, I'm the thoughts that I feed in my head, and the things I keep to myself.   I am a mixture of extremes, that don't result in balance or equilibrium, nor it gives inner peace. I am the secrets I hide,  and my honesty. I'm the kindness I vouch for the world, as must as my indifference, the rigidness of my ...

It doesn't matter why it went wrong, or how, Everything is just the same, and will stay the same. If it had happened then, or now, Still, nothing would change. I don't believe in sweet promises, or forevers, I don't believe that anything can stay the same for eternity, like a scene of a painting, or a song on repeat. I know that because what happened is not something I can blame you for. I don't expect you to try to fix it. Blaming myself won't get me anywhere either, I don't see how genuinely, truly loving someone can be a crime, But you can't force yourself to feel something that you don't. and I can't force myself to stop feeling. Despite that, the pain still punches me, at times like this. Sometimes, I don't think it will ever stop harming me. The knife that I cut you off with is the same knife I twist in my chest, Sometimes, I feel blood flooding my intervals and it doesn't seem like this wound will ever heal. Beca...

"don't worry you'll be okay, a few months from now non of this will matter" but what about now? what about the fact that it's been months and everything is still the same? unfazed by the passing of time. unaffected by any of the forces that washed over it? but pain isn't a polite guest. it's not the kind of visitors that would leave when it's unwanted. you ignore its presence and ask it to leave quietly, you scream and cry your eyes out, your heart ripping to shred as you beg and plead your pain to go, your body drained from all the effort of kicking it out. but it doesn't even budge. you barely scratch the surface, barely snatch the lid, because every time you chicken out, you almost dare to peek at your sorrows, although, you don't know what it looks like or how big it is and it horrifies you. you're scared that it will swallow you. so you postpone your pain, you pile it up, and bury it inside, neglecting the horror of its ...

On an ordinary day, on a paved blunt wide street with no features, at that time of the day when the world expresses its hatred towards human kind, and they passed on hatred to everything around. I beheld a spangles stone, shining on far away on the other side, as the seams of this mundane scene blurred into each other, and the noise from my surroundings merged with the one inside, I caught a glimpse of its color, that's when a spark of curiosity ignited, it was enough to set a dazzling fire, catching my attention, leading me right to it, I walked all the way, to see what it really was, despite my lack of knowledge, I know it's more than just a stone, I saw it in the way it reflects light, the way it shone, being this close quickened my heart, involuntarily I touch it, distorted and bulged, deformed and defaced. yet beautiful and charming, not the kind of beautiful that anyone would understa...

When you fall in love with someone you grant yourself many things, you claim these things to be yours, a right that you'd demand no matter what. the sweet pleasure of losing yourself in their mind. caressing their blossoming souls, taking long walks there whenever you want without the fear of losing your way. like obtaining their hearts, earning their love, and being worth their time. like becoming the reason they wake with a lazy smile and they sleep soundly without nightmares. you want their secrets to become yours, you want your self to merge with them, so you'd become one inseparable entity. you crashed into each other and it doesn't destroy you, on the contrary, it builds you both up again. when you're in love, you get to experience the magnificence of wandering through someone's secret gardens, the ones they built and hid away from everyone, a place that soon will be your own shelter. a destination that you stumbled upon, a coincidence that turned out...

He was perfect. Not in the sense of having a sculpted body, a flawless golden hair, or a pair or soulful piercing eyes. Not in the sense of always saying the right thing at the right time Not in the sense of doing the right thing at the right time. But he was perfect.. He was perfect because his clumsy words made me swoon, they made my heart beat faster, and inhibited my mind for days, settling there for longer than they should. because somehow, I never felt the need to explain myself to him, to teach him who I was and how to deal with me. He was perfect because despite of his calmness and maturity he made a fool out of himself sometimes just to make me laugh. because talking to him was like a an inside monologue, except million times better. I exposed my thoughts and not for once, I feared judgement or being misunderstood. and I liked staring at him, because I saw him  for what he was, flawed, vulnerable and completely human. and that made him perfect. the way his s...

We all are looking for something. That one thing, that will make things fall into place and everything will finally start making sense, even complete. you find it in the strangest places, without searching for it, you technically stumble upon it. you find it between the folds of a random book, in a melody of a certain song, or beating in someone's chest. you find it in a stranger's words or in the company of someone you know. ... you find it in the clarity of a moment of mere solitude, or the bustle of the crowd your trying to make your way through. and if you wonder how or where or when or who, stop asking all these questions. don't exhaust yourself for what you won't find by systemic or rational seeking. but I assure you that when it passes by, you will know. and that's the perplexing beauty of it.

My childhood memories are just blurs. I don't remember everything in specific details. Btu when I was 8 years olds, I was happy. That much I remember. I still remember my first day of school, like a vivid dream. I was so excited and anxious. I didn't worry about how I looked, and how much I weighed, I didn't care about being really loud or about my social skills. Impressing people was on the bottom of my list. I was genuinely happy. I never walked, I constantly danced around the house, sprinting my way to school and skipping all the way home. Everything exited me and aroused my curiosity. I used to bring my mom a flower everyday. I sang whenever I could, I painted all the time and I always hanged my simple drawings on the walls of my room with pride and an immense sense of satisfaction, they weren't near good, but I couldn't care less. Then I turned 16, I don't remember how it happened, sometimes it feels like I've leaped into this age. ...

I think of her curled up against your chest, and I feel fire catching in my chest. I feel a sharpnel of ache in my bloodstream. my heart turns rigid, like it can't even pump blood correctly, freezing and burning all at once. does she fit between your ribs the way I did? does her heart beat the same rhythm as mine? I am detached from my situation. it doesn't feel real. maybe I'm still in denial, my mind won't accept the fact that there is someone else. it's killing me slowly, viciously and brutally, to know that as you lie in my arms, your head resting on my chest, that your mind wanders somewhere else, your heart yearning for someone else. sometimes I put up all my courage, and decide to confront you, but I don't want to lose you. sometimes I pack my cloths, and decide to leave without an explanation. but I'm too scared of losing you. your sweet letters, your sweeter words, all those memories are poignant reminders of how things are between m...

"And I didn't even mean to make you my world it just happened." "All I want in this life is to receive the love that I give." "layers of regret, layers and layers of sadness..." "Mostly swallowing tides of silence and drowning in regret." “All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.” "It never stops hurting, does it?" "What?" "Giving someone the best of you and watching them choose someone else." "The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being." "I could love you forever if you just give me the chance." "A stranger in your own life, a tourist in your own body." " cause I'm a million different people from one day to another " " I hate how we never got our chance to see what we could’ve been or the memories we could’ve made. I hate how it’s an almost" "I can’t u...

Possibilities and probabilities is simple, basic mathematics. In any given situation you have options, every single option is an Event. Each event has a certain probability given many different variables and the likelihood of its occurrence. but the possibility of one particular event of occuring is sheer luck. Just because something could happen, it doesn't mean that it necessarily will. Every thing in the world is possible, but just because it's possible doesn't mean that it's probable. we all go through those times when we have to chose. When we're in direct combat with all our options, where we must act on the spot and choose something. We have hundreds, thousands of choices to make, but we're never aware of this fact, we don't have enough perception to comprehend their drastic impact on our lives. one choice can change you, one choice can define you. it could be something as big as choosing your major at collage, it could be something as ...

Just like the moon, we all go through phases. There is the dark side that no one gets to see. but you're always the dark side, you're always a new moon. alone and wandering. At some point you'll be forced to accept your loneliness. Like a fault in your character that you tried to change many times and failed. like an illness you were diagnosed with, you have to learn how to live with it, to embrace it as a concrete unchanging reality, you have to accept it. to even like it. you have to learn how to enjoy your own company. to be okay with going out on your own, having lunch on your own. walking alone and spending the majority of your time alone. you have to get used to going to bed without anyone's voice to lull you into the safety of sleeping. you have to get used to waking up to an empty inbox, no sweet good morning texts. you have to accept it as a part of your being, otherwise it will drive you insane. Because Loneliness is a loyal companion, it neve...

I miss him sometimes. and when I do, each time it feels different. Sometimes it's like getting winded, I am out of breath, my chest is tight with the weight of his absence, I swallow the poison of my thoughts and words and feelings. I can't feel anything else, or think of anything else. I choke on them, suffocate because of them. Sometimes I don't miss him, but I miss certain things about him. the way he seemed to enjoy my company, and love hearing my rants. the way he knew what was on my mind, what I always wanted to say before saying it. the way he cared about the lame details of my day. his goofy laugh and his shy smile. The way he argued with me because he knows how much I love argument. The way he never got tired of me. And how he was never bothered by my flaws. I miss how he believed in me, I miss how he was proud of me. I miss it all. Sometimes when I miss him I listen to his favorite songs curled up on my bed, I let the music fell my ears, it helps...

She wears cloths two sizes bigger. and only sings in the shower. She has love greater than anyone can ever handle, a love that no one wants. I am stronger than this, I'm better off this way.  She plays these words inside her head like a broken record, like a hymn. She tries her best to keep her chin up, to keep whatever is left of her heart, whatever is left from her mind. Still, there is no avoiding the long nights, or the cold coming from within, She carries it around like her own aura, embarrِassed of her failures, of her choices or mistakes. She thought that it's was avoidable. But as she lies in her bed, darkness surrounding her, as storms rage inside her brain, and wars wage in her heart, she realizes that she can't take it anymore. She lies down like a corpse, the only proof of her existence is the monotonic repeated process of breathing which, as effortless as it is, seems the hardest thing in the world right then. She doesn't feel anything at al...

I was a child once, I wasn't the monster you see now. I had beautiful white wings and my heart was a delicate rose. Now I lost my wings, and my heart is nothing but thorns. I'm hollow. I pretend and lie everyday, not just to people around me, but mostly to myself. and they're not white harmless lies. I'm scared and scarred. I'm buried deep within, distant, in a place no one is allowed in, ever. you claim to know me, but you only know what I let you know. you only see what I show, I warned you many times before but it never fazed you. you still think you can be a hero, and you found your perfect subject. an invisible broken girl, you only noticed a glint of me and now you think it's enough, you only saw a fraction of how damaged I am, and the destruction I carry inside me, and you think you can handle it. you think you can handle me, or even fix me, you think you got me figured out. but all you know is glimpse of me. my sweet boy, you think...

You stand in the corner, taking big swigs of your drink, the burning taste of alcohol usually helps. You concentrate on the feeling of the drink sliding down your throat and setting in your stomach. You do this every night, same faces around you, same feelings inside you, The familiarity of it makes you somehow safe. you're inside a mansion where you know every corner, every brick and every stone. and you know that there is no room for anything other than what you already have in the cracks. your own world is saturated with numbness. little did you know that it was a thin bubble. it all took was less than a stick of a needle, it was her eyes. a swift glance into a pair of eyes. that's all. you saw her everyday, a streak of color in a portrait you know, it never drew your attention, but now she looks like her own color, her own portrait, how come you never saw her before? you wonder as you pay attention to every gesture she makes. to her loud laugh, and how she...

Entry I don't know how to explain it, but I think there are caterpillars in my stomach, I can feel them every time I see him. Entry He said I have a nice smile, I smile freely around him now, without covering my face like I usually do. Entry He doesn't compliment me as often as he did. Entry Just thinking about him is enough to make me smile, to brighten my day, whenever I am nervous I think of him and it calms me down, and when I am scared I think of him, and I feel safe. Entry He didn't call me back, maybe he's just busy. Entry He called me twice today. Entry Something is off, it's not the same anymore. it's like there are electrical wires charging the air between us. Entry He looks at me me like I was his. Entry He looks at me like I don't exist. Entry He said I'm the best person he came across in his life, that I am a bless and that he couldn't ask for a better friend, my heart swell with emotion so overwhelming I can...

She's a book, with ripped out pages, with smudged ink in her folds , and crossed out sentences. I desperately want my hand on her spine. I touch it gingerly, and I can  feel  how  rigid and strong her spine is. I can feel the cracks in it, and I can tell she's tired from being strong.  My fingertips skim through her pages, and they're soft, so soft and thin and delicate, like petals.  they're softer than the words scratched on the surface. Some of the pages are ripped out, some of them have blurry writing, barely legible  that I cannot make out a single word. As I read through her I start to see, now I can see the reason behind her roughness. I know that she is hoping, that maybe someday someone will love her as much as she hates herself. And I want her to know that I love her, so I wrote it in faded pencil on the corner of a page, hoping that a part of her will always know, so she'll always carry it within her. I try to read between her lines, m...

There are flowers in my hair, I wore my favorite dress, all these are attempts to hide that I am a mess. I didn't plan for this to happen, I didn't ask for this. There are stars in your eyes, I see you coming my way, you ask if I am okay, and I can't really tell, because the words you say, make my heart go downhill, even if it's a simple hi, or flashing a small smile. I can't find reasons, I can't tell why. I threw a hundred coins, and made the same wish, like a holy prayer, I tell no one else. The time we have together is always fun, the things I tell you, I tell no one, you know the truth behind my lies, even when I put my best disguise, you know I say I am tired when I'm just sad, you see potential in me I didn't know I had. you think you know me, you believe you do, So why am I crying, do you have a clue? I haven't slept for a week, and my heart is fragile and weak I can't do this anymore. you rendered me, an...

you're finally here, I'm glad you're here, you finally made it, but my death is so near. not miles away, but breaths away, it's taking me home, so I'm no longer astray. it's getting harder for me to stay, I'm choking on this ice chipped air. Doors of hell are breaking loose, and now I've got nothing to lose, I've been waiting, I've been wanting, but you're a split second late, after I locked all the gates, I've waited at the station for a train, to pick me up to someplace safe, instead it hit me, and I'm nothing but pain, here comes the train, there goes my pain. and it won't leave without me. I wanted to say goodbye, I just didn't know how, I lost my words, along with my voice, I promise you I didn't have a choice, I lost all my battles, and I hope that you can tell, by all the scars and demons, by how many times I fell, and I can no longer stand it, for there isn't one solid ground. I lost, I...

I don't know how we became from the first place, and I don't remember the moment our hearts collided making a big explosion, creating a new universe. But I know it just happened, Why and When and how are a bunch of blurs I can't quite distinguish. All I know is that we are something now, something that I can't quite identify. Our beginning was an inevitable storm that we couldn't have anticipated or run away from. It was a spark that set both our hearts on dazzling fire that protected us from the coldness and cruelness of the world. Everyone was baffled by us, wherever we went we set an example for real contemporary love. We were the kind of love that's rare, the kind that you encounter once in your lifetime, It was a coincidence, but you were the the best chance I stumbled upon. Our friends envied us, do you remember before we started dating how everyone thought we were already a couple? We are were happy. Everything we did together had meaning, no matter...

We were sitting on your car's trunk once, staring at the moon silently, it was so mesmerising, so soothing to look at, you took a strand of my hair absentmindedly, and twirled it around your finger slowly, you asked me what I am thinking about, I bit my lip and smiled, I tried to arrange my words into intelligible sentences, because that simple thing you did made my heart tighten with feelings. I didn't dare to look at your face then. But it was all falling into order, I started seeing the real picture, like jigsaw pieces that didn't make sense until they're put together. I saw you. The one you hid away for too long from everyone, the one you masked and managed to tame like some kind of a beast you locked inside you. I know how hard you still try, but in those brief moments that you allow yourself some vulnerability and loss of control, I saw you. I saw how much you can care, and how it messed you up. I saw how intense your love is, and how it scares you like a cl...

I never forget my first times. The first time I rode a bike, or learned to swing. The first song I loved, or my favorite book. The first time I sprinted till I was out of breath, or got a full mark on a hard test. I never forgot the first time I laid eye on you. you were laughing hard at something one of your friends said, and I felt like all the butterflies in the world have migrated into my stomach. I wanted to come over and talk to you, and I did. your smile was warmer than the sun, cozy like two thick blankets in a winter night. your voice was tender, and I couldn't help but wonder what would it sound like as you whispered all different things in my ears. Just the thought of you gave me a new kind of happiness, a kind I didn't know existed before you. I saw hope in your eyes, and love in your heart, and safety in your arms. It was my fault that I relied too much on probabilities, I was blinded by the thick membrane of potential I saw in us. My heart couldn...

you stare at those set of piercing cold eyes in your reflection. They don't seem familiar at all. So distant and secluded like they're not even your own. you stare blankly in desperation for answers, for the questions you are afraid to ask. You stare, and stare and stare... an inevitable confrontation, you have to go through this at some point. You're waiting for answers. they ooze out of you, stinky and rotten. maybe you asked the wrong questions, to begin with, maybe it was just about time to accept what you've tried to ignore for so long. You always thought that if you stack your fears and insecurities in jars and put them on high shelves out of your reach they would stay there forever. You overlooked the fact that they're still there. Their mere existence and presence is more than enough to unnerve you. You carry them around like sins waiting for a salivation that might never come. You learned how to carry them around silently without making a squeak,...

When I met you I thought I found my prince charming, the one that will swipe me off my feat, I thought that I found my eternal sunshine and my elixir of happiness.   Brown was never my favorite color but I was smitten by your warm melted-chocolate brown eyes, they became my favorite thing in the entire world.  There are many things that fairy tales have never told us,   Villains aren't always the bad guys, happily ever after isn't destined for everyone,  And dreams have a way of turning into nightmares. You were just a dream.  A beautiful and a brief  reverie .    I can't quite place the moment we lost it all, but at least we tried, I was a pilot that has never landed and you were afraid of flying, and still, we tried to make it work. I thought we were a fortress, but turns out we were a card house and all it took was one shaken card to tear us down.  You have murdered every beautiful part of me, chocked them with your bare ...

I have been thinking a lot lately, and not the regular kind of thinking, alongside to the general planning, to the time tables I make and to the tides of ideas that wash at the shores of my brain, I've been thinking about the world. Specifically about my place in it. It's an overwhelming kind of thoughts. The ones that you can't delay or postpone, ones that you can't tell yourself that you'll try to figure out later because they invaded you, took over your whole mind and so, you can't blink without thinking about them. the kind of questions and doubts that makes you wonder, that keeps you occupied like a full time job, and there is no escaping this, because this is the big wave. Your big wave. you either run away, but it will always catch you, sooner or later, ignoring its existence is like ignoring an avalanche that you know is coming. you could stay put, and wait for them to happen, to hit you, and what kind of damage is collateral damage, you think it...

I wonder who I am, and who you are... you're not the image you see in the mirror, or the image people have of you. you're not your irrational fears, or what makes you secure like a baby in a cradle. you're not a constellation of thoughts and ideas. you're not your deeds, good or bad. you're not your childish dreams or your wildest ambitions. you're not just flesh with consciousness and a beating heart. you're not the people who hurt you, or the people you hurt. you're not your failures or the times you messed up, you're not the nights you slept crying, or the times you hid weeping. you're not just your brilliant smile or your clever remarks. you're not your intellectualism or brains. you are all of those and more. you are a universe on its own. your own kind of human. a million galaxies, limitless skies, and infinite seas. you're beauty and ugliness. you're the monsters you keep within you, the kid that never grew old,...

you're sitting under the old oak tree, next to a beautiful girls, and you wish if you could tell her that you love her, and you hope that somehow she knows. your fingers tremble as you rehearse the words hundred times in your head, I love you, and I want to be with you but your heart stings and sinks as you remember how it felt the last time you said it to someone. You're sitting under the old oak tree, next to a beautiful girl, you wish if she would tell you that she loves you, because you know that she does. The girl looks at you and smiles, and for a second you feel the sentence on the tip of your tongue, you breath in and fill your lungs with the cool air, swarms of feelings took over you, they settled between your heart and lungs, crammed in your insides and it's just about time, The girl smiles, and your fear is washed away with her peacefulness, you're tired of your cowardice. You're sitting under the old oak tree, the one in the park in yo...

Love is a simple word, but it's holding complicated meanings in its folds. I's starting to believe that everything I knew - or thought I knew- was true, that love was pure, that finding love would give you a rare sense of tranquility that you've been seeking, that love is easy like some kind of a recipe or a scientific experiment with clear 1,2,3 steps. but I've never felt more confused. I know that life isn't a movie or a song, but I was naive enough to be optimistic, to hope and expect that things might be different. but I learned that love was nothing like the things I mentioned. I learned that love is rare fragile flower, it's a feeble lie, a heavy promise hanging by a weak thread, love is cruel, unfair, and ugly, it's blind and deceiving, it's heaven and hell and everything between. it could go wrong in a million possible ways, it could put you on the top of the world and bury you in the deepest grounds. you could love someone more than ...

the first day is always the hardest. at least that's what they told you. the day you decide to leave, that day would be the hardest. you're finally leaving, you're fully prepared for the worst, or that's what you thought. but you had no idea what the worst is. they told you that after you decide to leave you'll feel empty, like a sack that was inverted and all your contents are lying before you on the ground, and twice as lonely as you were before. the worst part about taking the first step is that you believe that you're actually ready, and that you won't change your mind about this, and that your heart would understand, it will ache but you'll tolerate this. it will be just for a while. but what you didn't prepare yourself for is that this wound will leave a big ugly scar that will remain for the rest of your life, that you'll act like it never happened, you think that if you ignore the gnawing hurt inside of you it will go away like ...

I'm lost, I'm found I lost myself in your eyes, and found my sanctuary in them. I look at your heavenly features, and I think I don't want to ever look at anything else. you look so unbelievably beautiful today, like you always do, it's a stormy unsteady night, and it's not much calmer on the inside. there are secrets roaming inside of you, I can see their shadows in the blackness under your eyes, in the bending in your posture, in the way you bite your lips before you talk, or how self-conscious you are of everything you want to say... as if every corner of your soul holds a monster, and you're just so scared, petrified of showing your true colors to anyone. I can see it so vividly, your fear is your companion, and it's latched on to you, sucking life out of your evergreen self. leaving you cold and cautious, you build your walls brick by brick, and every time you hesitate and think about tearing it down you shove that idea away and build it highe...

I'm seeing sounds and hearing colors and nothing makes sense but you. There will always be something between us, keeping us together and keeping us apart. Some days it's so slight and gentle, like a soft whisper, like summer breeze, I can barely feel it let alone notice it. Other times I can't seem to understand anything else but what I feel towards you, those feelings are so dense, so intense, and I can't notice anything else. I am possessed by this idea, by wanting what I cant have, it's so disturbing sometimes, sometimes I feel pathetic, I feel sorry for myself, I don't remember how it started, maybe it was the softness of your eyes, the kindness of your words, and I can't seem to stop. I don't know how to stop. You're in my veins, flowing throw me, along with my intoxicated blood, and I want you out  desperately, I need to get rid of you, that's why I'll cut them open. a hope for you leave, it didn't seem possible before, to ...

It isn't night. and it isn't too late, I hope. but I've been thinking a lot lately, it's one thing that's constantly on my mind, time. Time is a relative things, or maybe it's the speed that you need to cut a certain distance. or it's the tick- tock of clocks. it's the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years you waste like you own them. it's funny, how one minute could be crucial, could change your whole life forever. and you wouldn't even see it coming. we demand time to heal our wounds, we blame it for our mistakes. 'if I can go back in time and change what I did ' 'if only I had more time' 'it's the wrong timing' they're all lies, we feed ourselves so willingly, reluctant to believe that we have total control of our lives. and I'm thinking it's absurd, how we blame a concept of our making for things that we do  have complete control of.  a minute could feel like an eternit...

It was stupid of me, to plant a rose in a desert, and wait for it to grow, and it was even worse that I watered it and took care of it, I don't know what I hate more, the sky, or the color of your eyes.  both  are so blue, innocent, promising, deceiving , a smooth deep lie.   I can never tell when things would change and acid rain would start pouring down on me.  even when I saw those grey clouds in your eyes, blocking your soul, I still thought that I could read you.  I still believed in myself and in you and in all the things we said, my faith is solid, but it's time to smash it. because I don't know what would be worse, to lose myself or to lose you.  I'm losing either ways. 

Yo ur heart is broken but your whole body hurts. You try to listen to it, but all you hear is static noise. you try to tell yourself that's okay, and that there is more to your life than your heart ache, Then you get into bed at night, thankful to be back in a safe haven under the covers. where you can cry alone and not be judged for being so weak to another human being, where you can sob your fears, chock on your sadness, and allow yourself to be a complete mess without having to worry about what anyone else would say or think, when all of our lives we are taught to be independent .  And after a silent moment in the dark, you swear that your heart is completely crushed and it just can’t hurt anymore, it turned into specks of doubt and pain, you feel hollow, you blame yourself, for the damage they caused, you also blame them, so you fall asleep praying to God that you don’t dream of them for another night in a row. Then you wake up the next morning with , somehow, a whol...

I want you to fly, I want to see you spread your wings  tour the open skies and set yourself free  my fragile bird. I want you to rise I want you to flood the world with your rays  you're the center of my universe  my warm sun.  I want you to shine a million little fragment of brilliance and beauty whenever I'm lost I look at you and I find my destination my bright stars. I want you to weigh me down, to keep me steady and sane, you're my mountain. I want you to wash over me,  beams of silver and innocence, loneliness  and sadness  roaming in the immense space my  crescent moon.    I want you to be you I want to show you off to the world, I want to keep you to myself My one and only love.