Firsts and lasts.

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I never forget my first times.
The first time I rode a bike, or learned to swing.
The first song I loved, or my favorite book.
The first time I sprinted till I was out of breath, or got a full mark on a hard test.

I never forgot the first time I laid eye on you.
you were laughing hard at something one of your friends said, and I felt like all the butterflies in the world have migrated into my stomach.
I wanted to come over and talk to you, and I did.
your smile was warmer than the sun, cozy like two thick blankets in a winter night.
your voice was tender, and I couldn't help but wonder what would it sound like as you whispered all different things in my ears.

Just the thought of you gave me a new kind of happiness, a kind I didn't know existed before you.
I saw hope in your eyes, and love in your heart, and safety in your arms.
It was my fault that I relied too much on probabilities, I was blinded by the thick membrane of potential I saw in us.
My heart couldn't fathom its disappointment,
Every time I saw you and didn't see your eyes sparkle at the sight of me, my heart sank like it was tied to an anchor.
My wall of hope was shattered, and I couldn't bare all the fragments of glass digging through me causing me millions of permanent scars.
my mind screamed at me to stay  while my heart implored and begged me to stay.
I thought I was strong enough, selfless enough, to be just by your side without proclaiming any further rights of being closer to you.
Like your shadow, always there but never quite with you.
It wasn't my place. 

 I also never forget my lasts,
The last time I walked through my school's halls, the last time I saw my grandma before she died.
and the last time I saw you.
You were laughing at something one of your friends said, and I felt all the butterflies decaying in my stomach.
I wanted to run away from you forever, and I did.
your smile was warmer than the sun, cozy like two thick blankets in a winter night.
your voice was tender, and I couldn't help but wonder how achingly painful it would be to miss it.

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