the first day is always the hardest.
at least that's what they told you.
the day you decide to leave, that day would be the hardest.
you're finally leaving, you're fully prepared for the worst,
or that's what you thought.
but you had no idea what the worst is.
they told you that after you decide to leave you'll feel empty, like a sack that was inverted and all your contents are lying before you on the ground,
and twice as lonely as you were before.
the worst part about taking the first step is that you believe that you're actually ready, and that you won't change your mind about this, and that your heart would understand, it will ache but you'll tolerate this. it will be just for a while.
but what you didn't prepare yourself for is that this wound will leave a big ugly scar that will remain for the rest of your life,
that you'll act like it never happened, you think that if you ignore the gnawing hurt inside of you it will go away like it never happened.
what you didn't know that this one person will leave a permanent print, a one that will change you forever, whether you liked it or not.
they told you that you'll feel nothing at the beginning, that you'll become nothing later.
like the feeling you get when you go out and an overwhelming feeling that you have forgotten something important takes over you.
like taking a carious tooth out, you had to do it, it doesn't hurt anymore, but you'll always feel the empty space in your gum.
you keep telling yourself that five years from now it wouldn't matter, that your memories of him will be as faint as the smell of his cologne,
but now nothing matters but this.
after a while, you'd want him back, need him back.
you try to go to sleep without thinking about him but you fail,
you wake up with his name in your mouth.
you dial his number and erase it, dial and erase, over and over again
you're trying to be rational, will he pick up the phone? what will I say if he does?
but you can't help it,
you'll regret your decision, every single day, you'll hate yourself for what you've done to yourself.
maybe you weren't strong enough to do this, maybe you should've been more patient, given him another ten chances.
even after you told yourself a million times and convinced yourself that sometimes you have to cut an arm to save the body, you still can't take it. you'll forget that he didn't leave you with any other options.
you barely remember how he made you feel
how he made you uncertain about yourself
how he drove you crazy
how he hid parts of himself while you showed him all your parts, your heart, mind and soul, bare and raw.
maybe it wasn't enough.
you start to blame yourself, doubt yourself and question your judgment
so you distant yourself from any chance of a new beginning.
you think that it's your fault, all of it was your fault.
until at some point you realize that this pain isn't because you want him,
it's the complete opposite.
but you still wish if you could undo it.
because you're not the same person anymore, and you're crippled.
all you have to do is wait, and hope...
and maybe in the best case scenario someone will come along,
and help you heal, get you out of this maze of indecision and loss.
you don't want to drag anyone else into this, you're telling yourself that it has been way too long, and that you should do something, but you're not sure of anything anymore.
all you can do is close your eyes, take a deep breath, have some faith, and take a step.
at least that's what they told you.
the day you decide to leave, that day would be the hardest.
you're finally leaving, you're fully prepared for the worst,
or that's what you thought.
but you had no idea what the worst is.
they told you that after you decide to leave you'll feel empty, like a sack that was inverted and all your contents are lying before you on the ground,
and twice as lonely as you were before.
the worst part about taking the first step is that you believe that you're actually ready, and that you won't change your mind about this, and that your heart would understand, it will ache but you'll tolerate this. it will be just for a while.
but what you didn't prepare yourself for is that this wound will leave a big ugly scar that will remain for the rest of your life,
that you'll act like it never happened, you think that if you ignore the gnawing hurt inside of you it will go away like it never happened.
what you didn't know that this one person will leave a permanent print, a one that will change you forever, whether you liked it or not.
they told you that you'll feel nothing at the beginning, that you'll become nothing later.
like the feeling you get when you go out and an overwhelming feeling that you have forgotten something important takes over you.
like taking a carious tooth out, you had to do it, it doesn't hurt anymore, but you'll always feel the empty space in your gum.
you keep telling yourself that five years from now it wouldn't matter, that your memories of him will be as faint as the smell of his cologne,
but now nothing matters but this.
after a while, you'd want him back, need him back.
you try to go to sleep without thinking about him but you fail,
you wake up with his name in your mouth.
you dial his number and erase it, dial and erase, over and over again
you're trying to be rational, will he pick up the phone? what will I say if he does?
but you can't help it,
you'll regret your decision, every single day, you'll hate yourself for what you've done to yourself.
maybe you weren't strong enough to do this, maybe you should've been more patient, given him another ten chances.
even after you told yourself a million times and convinced yourself that sometimes you have to cut an arm to save the body, you still can't take it. you'll forget that he didn't leave you with any other options.
you barely remember how he made you feel
how he made you uncertain about yourself
how he drove you crazy
how he hid parts of himself while you showed him all your parts, your heart, mind and soul, bare and raw.
maybe it wasn't enough.
you start to blame yourself, doubt yourself and question your judgment
so you distant yourself from any chance of a new beginning.
you think that it's your fault, all of it was your fault.
until at some point you realize that this pain isn't because you want him,
it's the complete opposite.
but you still wish if you could undo it.
because you're not the same person anymore, and you're crippled.
all you have to do is wait, and hope...
and maybe in the best case scenario someone will come along,
and help you heal, get you out of this maze of indecision and loss.
you don't want to drag anyone else into this, you're telling yourself that it has been way too long, and that you should do something, but you're not sure of anything anymore.
all you can do is close your eyes, take a deep breath, have some faith, and take a step.
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