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I have been thinking a lot lately, and not the regular kind of thinking, alongside to the general planning, to the time tables I make and to the tides of ideas that wash at the shores of my brain, I've been thinking about the world.
Specifically about my place in it.
It's an overwhelming kind of thoughts.
The ones that you can't delay or postpone, ones that you can't tell yourself that you'll try to figure out later because they invaded you, took over your whole mind and so, you can't blink without thinking about them.
the kind of questions and doubts that makes you wonder, that keeps you occupied like a full time job, and there is no escaping this, because this is the big wave.
Your big wave.
you either run away, but it will always catch you, sooner or later, ignoring its existence is like ignoring an avalanche that you know is coming.
you could stay put, and wait for them to happen, to hit you, and what kind of damage is collateral damage, you think it's just a phase and you keep on telling yourself that it when it's over everything will be okay.
but you can go deeper, and try to catch it instead of waiting for it to catch you.

I've been thinking about the world,
and the way I've been living.
my beliefs remain untouched but strengthened by this short journey,
because I realized that I've been trying to change the world instead of understanding it.
and so was the case with almost everything, including myself.
I was so immersed in the process of perfecting and improving everything that I forgot what it's like to live.
All I did was building schemes, blocks of ambitions and dreams that I built a skyscraper of possibilities.
and somehow along the way I forgot my fundamental basis.
I was oblivious to the reasons why I started doing this from the first place.
I got stuck in the labyrinth of my plans,
I got caught up in a spider web of rules and laws and protocols and what should be said and what should be done and society.

and I overlooked two essential details.
I forgot about my soul, that became a barren land,
 I forgot that I wasn't living for myself, that I didn't want that kind of life for myself,
I forgot about my wings, I set the bar too high, and when I couldn't live up to my own expectations I thought I failed.
and that triggered a cascade of failures and self-loathing
because my helplessness crippled me,
Whenever something didn't go 'as planned' I got angry,
because at that time I thought that there must be something that I've missed or didn't do correctly.

and I forgot all about faith and love,
I still had them, but they were treasures buried way too deep and I couldn't reach them.
but it's just about  time,
I got them out, dusted them off,
and I reconnected with my true self again.

I learned that by giving love to the world, I'll receive nothing but.
that giving your time, pieces of your heart or mind, or just giving a smile to stranger without demanding anything in return is rewarding itself.

That all those hardships that I go through are the heat that helps molding the clay, making it stronger, and better.
I learned not to seek anything other than inner peace, to be content with what I have and who I am, To accept whatever I encounter and to let go of what I can't change, and thus be happy.

I learned to trust God's plans for me,
and to live just for now.
because that's all what we really have is the present,
nothing is guaranteed, not even tomorrow.