Tides.

-
Entry
I don't know how to explain it, but I think there are caterpillars in my stomach, I can feel them every time I see him.

Entry
He said I have a nice smile, I smile freely around him now, without covering my face like I usually do.

Entry
He doesn't compliment me as often as he did.

Entry
Just thinking about him is enough to make me smile, to brighten my day, whenever I am nervous I think of him and it calms me down, and when I am scared I think of him, and I feel safe.

Entry
He didn't call me back, maybe he's just busy.

Entry
He called me twice today.

Entry
Something is off, it's not the same anymore. it's like there are electrical wires charging the air between us.

Entry
He looks at me me like I was his.

Entry
He looks at me like I don't exist.

Entry
He said I'm the best person he came across in his life, that I am a bless and that he couldn't ask for a better friend,
my heart swell with emotion so overwhelming I can't identify, and deflated with disappointment.

Entry
There are butterflies in my stomach, and a hole in my chest.
I can barely breathe.

Entry
He looks at me, I look away.
I am afraid my eyes will convey what my heart contains.

Entry
I am tired of him.
He's always on the back of my mind, inhibiting my mind. and he's making his way to my heart.

Entry
I dreamed of him last night, in the most innocent ways, he held my hand and drew circles with his thumb in the back of my palm.
I woke up lightheaded, heavyhearted, my hand aching for a warmth I don't know.

Entry
I don't know how is that even possible? We talk everyday, but I still miss him, it's not enough.
it's no longer enough.

Entry
I hate my heart.

Entry
He told me I'm beautiful, and I should never settle for less than I deserve.
he said I deserve better than what he can offers.
but what if what I want and deserve are two different things ?

Entry
I am so confused,
does he really mean any of things he say?
it's too much for me.
especially that his words don't match his actions.

Entry
I can't admit it, not even to myself.
I won't.

Entry
I am almost in love with him, a few days away, a few words away.
I am screwed.

Entry
Sometimes I don't understand why.

Entry
He can't live a day without me.
I know because he told me so.

Entry
He doesn't love me and he never will.

Entry
maybe it's me,
it's definitely me.
maybe I'm not as in love as I think I am.
maybe it's all delusion.

Entry
The sound of my heart tearing into pieces keeps me awake at night.

Entry
I don't remember how or when or why it all started.
but none of these answers matter.
because I am locked in a chamber of concrete, denying it won't make it disappear.

Entry
Somewhere on the road of this journey, we lost our way.
We took a wrong turn, and I don't think we can go back.

Entry
My heart hearts. My head hurts even more.

Entry
I am too selfish to leave.
Yet too slefless to stay.

Entry
I cant do this anymore.
it's driving me insane. I am driving myself insane.

Entry
I called him, I cried my heart out.
And I told him it was something else, not him.

Entry
He's everything to me.

Entry
He doesn't want me, maybe he does.
Maybe he feels the same about me, he probably doesn't.
I don't know anymore.

Entry
If I ever leave, it's not because I don't love him, it's because I do.

Entry
I can't hurt him without hurting myself.
I hate myself for this.

Entry
I know I promised. but I have to, I have to.
I don't have any other options...
I thought pushing him away would hurt less.
I was wrong.

Entry
I am losing him, but he isn't mine to begin with.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

mirror

-
My thoughts are not holy, My body isn't a temple It's not a sacred space It's tender flesh and a fragile spine, It's nothing remotely divine, It's belimished skin and visible markings, I know there is solace in metaphors, in similes, in saying things not as they are but as what they're like,  in trying to compare what you can't understand to what you do, Maybe only then it will make sense, Trying to simplify it, pulling threads and tying ends and loosening knots, trying to make it look familiar, But it is almost never accurate, Words are just letters, More times than not they hold little to no significance. Little to no reassurance, little to no validation, Sorry , a half hearted apology Always met with sincere acceptance. 
Read more

The apartment

-
 When I think about my ideal house. I think wide balconies,  I think penthouse,  I think small yet not claustrophobia inducing.  I think roomy but not huge.  I think large but just enough to house two people and a pet, preferably a cat.  I think walls, muted yellow and forest green,  I think walls that you can pin me against and kiss me. I think walls, unlike the ones I keep around my heart, that aren't prone to crumbling at any hint of tenderness. I think walls I can hang up pictures of us. Crappy art I make and posters of your favorite things. I think of walls that have ears but never heard screaming or anger, I think of walls that have never witnessed disappointment.  I think of warm nights and cool breeze and long hugs and affection unaccounted for. 
Read more

The Quest.

-
I know regret when I see it, I spot it easily on your grey blotted aura. It glistens through your bloodshot eyes,  the windows of your soul, one glance is more than enough to recognize it. You have taken it upon yourself to seek redemption, From things you have no control over, but it never hurts to try. The sought after resurrection of what have been long dead will drain you, yet, you carry on, with a broken compass and a useless map, determined to revive what was once alive, reclaim what was once yours, But you can't seem to find it. That missi ng thing. You tell yourself that you've got nothing to lose and maybe Just maybe This time there will be a different outcome. A lie you cradle along with the truth. And when you go back to where you started, You swallow your pride and  disappointment, Like splinters of wood,  But your insides are lined with sandpaper, your spine is made of steel, and none of it longer fazes you.
Read more