Wilted Words

I think of her curled up against your chest, and I feel fire catching in my chest. I feel a sharpnel of ache in my bloodstream. my heart turns rigid, like it can't even pump blood correctly, freezing and burning all at once. does she fit between your ribs the way I did? does her heart beat the same rhythm as mine? I am detached from my situation. it doesn't feel real. maybe I'm still in denial, my mind won't accept the fact that there is someone else. it's killing me slowly, viciously and brutally, to know that as you lie in my arms, your head resting on my chest, that your mind wanders somewhere else, your heart yearning for someone else. sometimes I put up all my courage, and decide to confront you, but I don't want to lose you. sometimes I pack my cloths, and decide to leave without an explanation. but I'm too scared of losing you. your sweet letters, your sweeter words, all those memories are poignant reminders of how things are between m...

"And I didn't even mean to make you my world it just happened." "All I want in this life is to receive the love that I give." "layers of regret, layers and layers of sadness..." "Mostly swallowing tides of silence and drowning in regret." “All I ever wanted was to reach out and touch another human being not just with my hands but with my heart.” "It never stops hurting, does it?" "What?" "Giving someone the best of you and watching them choose someone else." "The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being." "I could love you forever if you just give me the chance." "A stranger in your own life, a tourist in your own body." " cause I'm a million different people from one day to another " " I hate how we never got our chance to see what we could’ve been or the memories we could’ve made. I hate how it’s an almost" "I can’t u...

Possibilities and probabilities is simple, basic mathematics. In any given situation you have options, every single option is an Event. Each event has a certain probability given many different variables and the likelihood of its occurrence. but the possibility of one particular event of occuring is sheer luck. Just because something could happen, it doesn't mean that it necessarily will. Every thing in the world is possible, but just because it's possible doesn't mean that it's probable. we all go through those times when we have to chose. When we're in direct combat with all our options, where we must act on the spot and choose something. We have hundreds, thousands of choices to make, but we're never aware of this fact, we don't have enough perception to comprehend their drastic impact on our lives. one choice can change you, one choice can define you. it could be something as big as choosing your major at collage, it could be something as ...

Just like the moon, we all go through phases. There is the dark side that no one gets to see. but you're always the dark side, you're always a new moon. alone and wandering. At some point you'll be forced to accept your loneliness. Like a fault in your character that you tried to change many times and failed. like an illness you were diagnosed with, you have to learn how to live with it, to embrace it as a concrete unchanging reality, you have to accept it. to even like it. you have to learn how to enjoy your own company. to be okay with going out on your own, having lunch on your own. walking alone and spending the majority of your time alone. you have to get used to going to bed without anyone's voice to lull you into the safety of sleeping. you have to get used to waking up to an empty inbox, no sweet good morning texts. you have to accept it as a part of your being, otherwise it will drive you insane. Because Loneliness is a loyal companion, it neve...

I miss him sometimes. and when I do, each time it feels different. Sometimes it's like getting winded, I am out of breath, my chest is tight with the weight of his absence, I swallow the poison of my thoughts and words and feelings. I can't feel anything else, or think of anything else. I choke on them, suffocate because of them. Sometimes I don't miss him, but I miss certain things about him. the way he seemed to enjoy my company, and love hearing my rants. the way he knew what was on my mind, what I always wanted to say before saying it. the way he cared about the lame details of my day. his goofy laugh and his shy smile. The way he argued with me because he knows how much I love argument. The way he never got tired of me. And how he was never bothered by my flaws. I miss how he believed in me, I miss how he was proud of me. I miss it all. Sometimes when I miss him I listen to his favorite songs curled up on my bed, I let the music fell my ears, it helps...

She wears cloths two sizes bigger. and only sings in the shower. She has love greater than anyone can ever handle, a love that no one wants. I am stronger than this, I'm better off this way.  She plays these words inside her head like a broken record, like a hymn. She tries her best to keep her chin up, to keep whatever is left of her heart, whatever is left from her mind. Still, there is no avoiding the long nights, or the cold coming from within, She carries it around like her own aura, embarrِassed of her failures, of her choices or mistakes. She thought that it's was avoidable. But as she lies in her bed, darkness surrounding her, as storms rage inside her brain, and wars wage in her heart, she realizes that she can't take it anymore. She lies down like a corpse, the only proof of her existence is the monotonic repeated process of breathing which, as effortless as it is, seems the hardest thing in the world right then. She doesn't feel anything at al...

I was a child once, I wasn't the monster you see now. I had beautiful white wings and my heart was a delicate rose. Now I lost my wings, and my heart is nothing but thorns. I'm hollow. I pretend and lie everyday, not just to people around me, but mostly to myself. and they're not white harmless lies. I'm scared and scarred. I'm buried deep within, distant, in a place no one is allowed in, ever. you claim to know me, but you only know what I let you know. you only see what I show, I warned you many times before but it never fazed you. you still think you can be a hero, and you found your perfect subject. an invisible broken girl, you only noticed a glint of me and now you think it's enough, you only saw a fraction of how damaged I am, and the destruction I carry inside me, and you think you can handle it. you think you can handle me, or even fix me, you think you got me figured out. but all you know is glimpse of me. my sweet boy, you think...

You stand in the corner, taking big swigs of your drink, the burning taste of alcohol usually helps. You concentrate on the feeling of the drink sliding down your throat and setting in your stomach. You do this every night, same faces around you, same feelings inside you, The familiarity of it makes you somehow safe. you're inside a mansion where you know every corner, every brick and every stone. and you know that there is no room for anything other than what you already have in the cracks. your own world is saturated with numbness. little did you know that it was a thin bubble. it all took was less than a stick of a needle, it was her eyes. a swift glance into a pair of eyes. that's all. you saw her everyday, a streak of color in a portrait you know, it never drew your attention, but now she looks like her own color, her own portrait, how come you never saw her before? you wonder as you pay attention to every gesture she makes. to her loud laugh, and how she...

Entry I don't know how to explain it, but I think there are caterpillars in my stomach, I can feel them every time I see him. Entry He said I have a nice smile, I smile freely around him now, without covering my face like I usually do. Entry He doesn't compliment me as often as he did. Entry Just thinking about him is enough to make me smile, to brighten my day, whenever I am nervous I think of him and it calms me down, and when I am scared I think of him, and I feel safe. Entry He didn't call me back, maybe he's just busy. Entry He called me twice today. Entry Something is off, it's not the same anymore. it's like there are electrical wires charging the air between us. Entry He looks at me me like I was his. Entry He looks at me like I don't exist. Entry He said I'm the best person he came across in his life, that I am a bless and that he couldn't ask for a better friend, my heart swell with emotion so overwhelming I can...