This Smile.

-
I saw him the other day coincidentally as I passed by a cafe he used to go to regularly.
I saw him through a side window, and I couldn't help but stop.
he was holding a cup of coffee with both hands gripping it tightly. smiling, a soft kind of smile.
I smiled spontaneously at the sight of him.
for a split second I had forgotten everything that had happened, I forgot that it's been ten months since we spoke and almost dashed to say hi.
I saw him sitting a few feet away from me, totally oblivious to my presence, his smile got wider although he wasn't with company and I couldn't help but wonder why.
he smiled the kind of smile that flashes on your face when you remember something funny, or a silly joke.
the kind of crooked goofy smile that you can't suppress as thoughts of the person you love roam in your head.
I swallowed hard, said a silent goodbye and walked away without looking back, because I know that I am not the reason for this smile anymore.

This smile belongs to someone else now.
I had him memorized before and I know every move every flex and every reflex of his body.
I knew every joke he'd say every sarcastic remark he'd make and exactly when.

and this smile, is one that I know he had whenever he was happy.
at least he is happy. 
and I am hoping despite everything that he has found someone, or someone has found him. because this smile is the kind of smile on an inside joke that only two people can laugh at and a love between two people that only they can understand.

I hope she understands that he can be hard headed sometimes, most of the time, actually, I hope she doesn't doubt his silent subtle affection towards her. I hope she understands his mood swings and the fact that he hates talking about his feeling and doesn't consider that as neglect or indifference.
I hope that she understands that he likes to have his own space sometimes and he is not pushing her away.
I hope he open up to her like he never did to me, and I hope she loves him at least as half much as I loved him.
I hope he gives her the opportunity to.
Because seeing him is everything that I ever wanted, even if I was not the reason behind that smile.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

mirror

-
My thoughts are not holy, My body isn't a temple It's not a sacred space It's tender flesh and a fragile spine, It's nothing remotely divine, It's belimished skin and visible markings, I know there is solace in metaphors, in similes, in saying things not as they are but as what they're like,  in trying to compare what you can't understand to what you do, Maybe only then it will make sense, Trying to simplify it, pulling threads and tying ends and loosening knots, trying to make it look familiar, But it is almost never accurate, Words are just letters, More times than not they hold little to no significance. Little to no reassurance, little to no validation, Sorry , a half hearted apology Always met with sincere acceptance. 
Read more

The apartment

-
 When I think about my ideal house. I think wide balconies,  I think penthouse,  I think small yet not claustrophobia inducing.  I think roomy but not huge.  I think large but just enough to house two people and a pet, preferably a cat.  I think walls, muted yellow and forest green,  I think walls that you can pin me against and kiss me. I think walls, unlike the ones I keep around my heart, that aren't prone to crumbling at any hint of tenderness. I think walls I can hang up pictures of us. Crappy art I make and posters of your favorite things. I think of walls that have ears but never heard screaming or anger, I think of walls that have never witnessed disappointment.  I think of warm nights and cool breeze and long hugs and affection unaccounted for. 
Read more

The Quest.

-
I know regret when I see it, I spot it easily on your grey blotted aura. It glistens through your bloodshot eyes,  the windows of your soul, one glance is more than enough to recognize it. You have taken it upon yourself to seek redemption, From things you have no control over, but it never hurts to try. The sought after resurrection of what have been long dead will drain you, yet, you carry on, with a broken compass and a useless map, determined to revive what was once alive, reclaim what was once yours, But you can't seem to find it. That missi ng thing. You tell yourself that you've got nothing to lose and maybe Just maybe This time there will be a different outcome. A lie you cradle along with the truth. And when you go back to where you started, You swallow your pride and  disappointment, Like splinters of wood,  But your insides are lined with sandpaper, your spine is made of steel, and none of it longer fazes you.
Read more