The art of getting by.

Believe it or not, at some point of my life I was almost worry-free.
I ate for a whole week without counting calories of my meals, not even once, not worrying about how many extra pounds I'll see on the scale.
I had my friends and people I loved around me almost all the time and whenever I needed them.
when I was young I didn't appreciate my youth or my time. I took things for granted.
until my very first loss.
I lost someone who was a part of me, our days were intertwined that we had an almost identical routine. and if someone had told me that now I wouldn't have them in my life I wouldn't have believed it.
the thing about losing someone you love is that a short while after, it doesn't matter whose fault it was, all you want to do is get them back, all you need to do is retain some of the equilibrium that  you lost along with them.
you fall in love with the image you have of them.
and you fall out of love with the memories you have of them.
you idolize them, even.
you don't recall their flaws and you can't register their faults,
you don't remember the harshness of their voice when they said that they are tired and the can't go on when they meant that they were tired of you. 
your brain seems to replace the image of their hardening features with the feeling of their soft hands.
and then your heart solidifies before you get a chance to sculpt it, unless you allow it to fully break,
so you can rearrange it again.
This pain and the sadness are so overwhelming and dominant, and the more you try to bury them deep it backfires.
I learned how to live with their presence without letting them take control, and although fear of happiness would not budge, this is the only thing I managed to do, to learn how to get by.