Wilted Words

Have I ever told you haw much I love you? I know that I have said those words thousands times before, and I said them silently before ever verbalizing them.  it is such a strange thing, love.  it is the closest thing to faith, it is so profound,  you can't see it, but you know it's there.  I fell in love before you, with how many people? it's irrelevant, because it's just happened.  and every time it had been different.   the same love never happens twice, not with the same two people.  and that's the beauty of it.  after my first heartbreak I remember thinking that I don't want to be in love,  ever again,  but hearts are wild creatures, they long for the familiarity of love,  they are meant to love, and they seek purpose.  the emptiness that filled my heart drained me, stripped me of my colors.  I was not dead, or alive,  just something in between. until I allowed love to c...

sometimes you set at the roof of your house, or the small window of your room and you look into the horizon you see the blurry line where the sky and the city meet, and for a moment you allow yourself to think, to drift in realms unknown to you yet. you allow your self to lay off for a few moment, you don't think about anything, or you think about everything all at once, but either ways it's consoling. something about the silence, this good kind of silence, and the absence of company makes you more oriented and calm for a moment. as if time has stopped and the world is giving you some time to process its magnificence. It's giving you a chance to open your eyes, to see with your heart. To notice and observe as life washes over, and passes by. You realize that life is happening around you, to every single individual, that every stranger has their own complicated life, each one of them has a secret they don't talk about, each and everyone is afraid of something, and ever...

Believe it or not, at some point of my life I was almost worry-free. I ate for a whole week without counting calories of my meals, not even once, not worrying about how many extra pounds I'll see on the scale. I had my friends and people I loved around me almost all the time and whenever I needed them. when I was young I didn't appreciate my youth or my time. I took things for granted. until my very first loss. I lost someone who was a part of me, our days were intertwined that we had an almost identical routine. and if someone had told me that now I wouldn't have them in my life I wouldn't have believed it. the thing about losing someone you love is that a short while after, it doesn't matter whose fault it was, all you want to do is get them back, all you need to do is retain some of the equilibrium that  you lost along with them. you fall in love with the image you have of them. and you fall out of love with the memories you have of them. you idolize the...

And if Loving you was not enough, I will open the grave I dug with my bare hands, I will get my heart out from its casket, and I will give it you, rotten remnants and dysfunctional as it is. but that's all I have got, and it's yours, and yours alone. If loving you was not enough, it is not going to redeem you, from the injustice done unto you, or save you from past failures or repeated mistakes, my love for you is more than we both could take. then my body shall lie next to my heart. so if loving you was not enough, I hope it has given you the strength to let go of my hands, to unwind your soul from my soul, maybe it will make you brave enough to remember me, with a small smile on your lips, and the warmth that once was. The warmth, the words softly spoken, that proved that I once lived.

I saw him the other day coincidentally as I passed by a cafe he used to go to regularly. I saw him through a side window, and I couldn't help but stop. he was holding a cup of coffee with both hands gripping it tightly. smiling, a soft kind of smile. I smiled spontaneously at the sight of him. for a split second I had forgotten everything that had happened, I forgot that it's been ten months since we spoke and almost dashed to say hi. I saw him sitting a few feet away from me, totally oblivious to my presence, his smile got wider although he wasn't with company and I couldn't help but wonder why. he smiled the kind of smile that flashes on your face when you remember something funny, or a silly joke. the kind of crooked goofy smile that you can't suppress as thoughts of the person you love roam in your head. I swallowed hard, said a silent goodbye and walked away without looking back, because I know that I am not the reason for this smile anymore. This smi...

As much I hate to admit it, as much as I hate acknowledging it as a real valid thing, I admit that I hate you. I do, with all my heart, or whatever pieces left of it. it's quite ironic actually, when I think about it, how the person who filled once with love is the same one to fill you with poisoning hatred. How you enjoy daydreaming about them and just the mere thinking about them made your hart pound with ecstasy, but now it just multiple merciless punches directly hurting you. thinking about him sends sharpeners of anger in my bloodstream, cutting me from the inside and I bleed and bleed and my body bruises and my hearts bruises and I can't seem to make it stop. many memories and moments are crafted inside my head, proving that time may not heal anything. it's been one hundred and twenty six days, not that I was counting, it comes naturally to me, like a bad habit that I can't brush off. I hate you for so many reasons, I already made  could make a list, but wh...