Wilted Words

When I met you I thought I found my prince charming, the one that will swipe me off my feat, I thought that I found my eternal sunshine and my elixir of happiness.   Brown was never my favorite color but I was smitten by your warm melted-chocolate brown eyes, they became my favorite thing in the entire world.  There are many things that fairy tales have never told us,   Villains aren't always the bad guys, happily ever after isn't destined for everyone,  And dreams have a way of turning into nightmares. You were just a dream.  A beautiful and a brief  reverie .    I can't quite place the moment we lost it all, but at least we tried, I was a pilot that has never landed and you were afraid of flying, and still, we tried to make it work. I thought we were a fortress, but turns out we were a card house and all it took was one shaken card to tear us down.  You have murdered every beautiful part of me, chocked them with your bare ...

I have been thinking a lot lately, and not the regular kind of thinking, alongside to the general planning, to the time tables I make and to the tides of ideas that wash at the shores of my brain, I've been thinking about the world. Specifically about my place in it. It's an overwhelming kind of thoughts. The ones that you can't delay or postpone, ones that you can't tell yourself that you'll try to figure out later because they invaded you, took over your whole mind and so, you can't blink without thinking about them. the kind of questions and doubts that makes you wonder, that keeps you occupied like a full time job, and there is no escaping this, because this is the big wave. Your big wave. you either run away, but it will always catch you, sooner or later, ignoring its existence is like ignoring an avalanche that you know is coming. you could stay put, and wait for them to happen, to hit you, and what kind of damage is collateral damage, you think it...

I wonder who I am, and who you are... you're not the image you see in the mirror, or the image people have of you. you're not your irrational fears, or what makes you secure like a baby in a cradle. you're not a constellation of thoughts and ideas. you're not your deeds, good or bad. you're not your childish dreams or your wildest ambitions. you're not just flesh with consciousness and a beating heart. you're not the people who hurt you, or the people you hurt. you're not your failures or the times you messed up, you're not the nights you slept crying, or the times you hid weeping. you're not just your brilliant smile or your clever remarks. you're not your intellectualism or brains. you are all of those and more. you are a universe on its own. your own kind of human. a million galaxies, limitless skies, and infinite seas. you're beauty and ugliness. you're the monsters you keep within you, the kid that never grew old,...

you're sitting under the old oak tree, next to a beautiful girls, and you wish if you could tell her that you love her, and you hope that somehow she knows. your fingers tremble as you rehearse the words hundred times in your head, I love you, and I want to be with you but your heart stings and sinks as you remember how it felt the last time you said it to someone. You're sitting under the old oak tree, next to a beautiful girl, you wish if she would tell you that she loves you, because you know that she does. The girl looks at you and smiles, and for a second you feel the sentence on the tip of your tongue, you breath in and fill your lungs with the cool air, swarms of feelings took over you, they settled between your heart and lungs, crammed in your insides and it's just about time, The girl smiles, and your fear is washed away with her peacefulness, you're tired of your cowardice. You're sitting under the old oak tree, the one in the park in yo...

Love is a simple word, but it's holding complicated meanings in its folds. I's starting to believe that everything I knew - or thought I knew- was true, that love was pure, that finding love would give you a rare sense of tranquility that you've been seeking, that love is easy like some kind of a recipe or a scientific experiment with clear 1,2,3 steps. but I've never felt more confused. I know that life isn't a movie or a song, but I was naive enough to be optimistic, to hope and expect that things might be different. but I learned that love was nothing like the things I mentioned. I learned that love is rare fragile flower, it's a feeble lie, a heavy promise hanging by a weak thread, love is cruel, unfair, and ugly, it's blind and deceiving, it's heaven and hell and everything between. it could go wrong in a million possible ways, it could put you on the top of the world and bury you in the deepest grounds. you could love someone more than ...

the first day is always the hardest. at least that's what they told you. the day you decide to leave, that day would be the hardest. you're finally leaving, you're fully prepared for the worst, or that's what you thought. but you had no idea what the worst is. they told you that after you decide to leave you'll feel empty, like a sack that was inverted and all your contents are lying before you on the ground, and twice as lonely as you were before. the worst part about taking the first step is that you believe that you're actually ready, and that you won't change your mind about this, and that your heart would understand, it will ache but you'll tolerate this. it will be just for a while. but what you didn't prepare yourself for is that this wound will leave a big ugly scar that will remain for the rest of your life, that you'll act like it never happened, you think that if you ignore the gnawing hurt inside of you it will go away like ...

I'm lost, I'm found I lost myself in your eyes, and found my sanctuary in them. I look at your heavenly features, and I think I don't want to ever look at anything else. you look so unbelievably beautiful today, like you always do, it's a stormy unsteady night, and it's not much calmer on the inside. there are secrets roaming inside of you, I can see their shadows in the blackness under your eyes, in the bending in your posture, in the way you bite your lips before you talk, or how self-conscious you are of everything you want to say... as if every corner of your soul holds a monster, and you're just so scared, petrified of showing your true colors to anyone. I can see it so vividly, your fear is your companion, and it's latched on to you, sucking life out of your evergreen self. leaving you cold and cautious, you build your walls brick by brick, and every time you hesitate and think about tearing it down you shove that idea away and build it highe...

I'm seeing sounds and hearing colors and nothing makes sense but you. There will always be something between us, keeping us together and keeping us apart. Some days it's so slight and gentle, like a soft whisper, like summer breeze, I can barely feel it let alone notice it. Other times I can't seem to understand anything else but what I feel towards you, those feelings are so dense, so intense, and I can't notice anything else. I am possessed by this idea, by wanting what I cant have, it's so disturbing sometimes, sometimes I feel pathetic, I feel sorry for myself, I don't remember how it started, maybe it was the softness of your eyes, the kindness of your words, and I can't seem to stop. I don't know how to stop. You're in my veins, flowing throw me, along with my intoxicated blood, and I want you out  desperately, I need to get rid of you, that's why I'll cut them open. a hope for you leave, it didn't seem possible before, to ...

It isn't night. and it isn't too late, I hope. but I've been thinking a lot lately, it's one thing that's constantly on my mind, time. Time is a relative things, or maybe it's the speed that you need to cut a certain distance. or it's the tick- tock of clocks. it's the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years you waste like you own them. it's funny, how one minute could be crucial, could change your whole life forever. and you wouldn't even see it coming. we demand time to heal our wounds, we blame it for our mistakes. 'if I can go back in time and change what I did ' 'if only I had more time' 'it's the wrong timing' they're all lies, we feed ourselves so willingly, reluctant to believe that we have total control of our lives. and I'm thinking it's absurd, how we blame a concept of our making for things that we do  have complete control of.  a minute could feel like an eternit...

It was stupid of me, to plant a rose in a desert, and wait for it to grow, and it was even worse that I watered it and took care of it, I don't know what I hate more, the sky, or the color of your eyes.  both  are so blue, innocent, promising, deceiving , a smooth deep lie.   I can never tell when things would change and acid rain would start pouring down on me.  even when I saw those grey clouds in your eyes, blocking your soul, I still thought that I could read you.  I still believed in myself and in you and in all the things we said, my faith is solid, but it's time to smash it. because I don't know what would be worse, to lose myself or to lose you.  I'm losing either ways. 

Yo ur heart is broken but your whole body hurts. You try to listen to it, but all you hear is static noise. you try to tell yourself that's okay, and that there is more to your life than your heart ache, Then you get into bed at night, thankful to be back in a safe haven under the covers. where you can cry alone and not be judged for being so weak to another human being, where you can sob your fears, chock on your sadness, and allow yourself to be a complete mess without having to worry about what anyone else would say or think, when all of our lives we are taught to be independent .  And after a silent moment in the dark, you swear that your heart is completely crushed and it just can’t hurt anymore, it turned into specks of doubt and pain, you feel hollow, you blame yourself, for the damage they caused, you also blame them, so you fall asleep praying to God that you don’t dream of them for another night in a row. Then you wake up the next morning with , somehow, a whol...

I want you to fly, I want to see you spread your wings  tour the open skies and set yourself free  my fragile bird. I want you to rise I want you to flood the world with your rays  you're the center of my universe  my warm sun.  I want you to shine a million little fragment of brilliance and beauty whenever I'm lost I look at you and I find my destination my bright stars. I want you to weigh me down, to keep me steady and sane, you're my mountain. I want you to wash over me,  beams of silver and innocence, loneliness  and sadness  roaming in the immense space my  crescent moon.    I want you to be you I want to show you off to the world, I want to keep you to myself My one and only love.