At arms length.
I can't confined in more than one person at a time.
I realised that in my early teen years, I had many friends then but I barely shared anything with all of them, it was all fun and going out and school issues. Nothing personal.
I am exactly sure who built that barrier between me and people around me. I have to admit that a big part of it is on me, my lack of confidence to speak my mind, my disinterest in what they talked about all the time, my quiet shy nature and the fact that I prefer to listen than talk and most people take that as a sign of an empty mind, not one filled with complicated words.
I have a tendency of keeping things to myself too. No one needs to hear about the nightmare I had last night or my conclusion on a book's plot that I'm reading, it's not their fault that we didn't see eye to eye when it came to interests.
And that was how I grew apart from my first group of friends. It's been years since I've seen them now. We still occasionally talk, but nothing other than a five-minutes conversation you have with strangers.
I hate small talk but it seems that this is everything that's left to us.
Short after I met another group, I was older, wiser, we all happened to be transfer students that year so we instantly teamed up. And we became friends. As different as we all were we were connected, we had great time whenever we met and we all cared about each other deeply, no gossip, no fights, non of the bullshit I saw going on with other groups.
I was happy, I found myself new bestfriends, ones that I'll have forever. Ones who understood me.
Yet I couldn't share anything with any any of them. I always had this feeling that I wasn't important enough to them. That I could disappear and they would feel bad but not devastated, because I know that I'll always be the one who cares more.
Also I wanted to maintain the image they had of me, I was the clever sweet girl of our clique, fun to be around without being too loud, yet wise enough to go to for advise, and I was always afraid that if they knew, they'll pity me instead of accepting me. They'll feel bad about me and grow more careful in my presence, it would have created a tense heavy atmosphere.
I thought if they saw how much anger I had inside me they wouldn't want me around. And if they saw me for who I truly am they would get rid of me politely.
I took a step back then. Maybe it was all in m head, these fears were my demons. And it wasn't on anyone but myself to conquer them and I had to do it on my own.
Five years later and we are still as solid as sisters.
They still don't know that I cut myself sometimes or about the boys who broke my heart. I like the keep my sadness to myself. I don't like to verbalise them, it always sounds wrong and inaccurate. I wouldn't convey it correctly and I don't see the point of throwing my burdens on someone else's shoulders.
I like to keep my friends close, but always from a safe distance, and this answers your question when you asked me why am I shutting you out.
I realised that in my early teen years, I had many friends then but I barely shared anything with all of them, it was all fun and going out and school issues. Nothing personal.
I am exactly sure who built that barrier between me and people around me. I have to admit that a big part of it is on me, my lack of confidence to speak my mind, my disinterest in what they talked about all the time, my quiet shy nature and the fact that I prefer to listen than talk and most people take that as a sign of an empty mind, not one filled with complicated words.
I have a tendency of keeping things to myself too. No one needs to hear about the nightmare I had last night or my conclusion on a book's plot that I'm reading, it's not their fault that we didn't see eye to eye when it came to interests.
And that was how I grew apart from my first group of friends. It's been years since I've seen them now. We still occasionally talk, but nothing other than a five-minutes conversation you have with strangers.
I hate small talk but it seems that this is everything that's left to us.
Short after I met another group, I was older, wiser, we all happened to be transfer students that year so we instantly teamed up. And we became friends. As different as we all were we were connected, we had great time whenever we met and we all cared about each other deeply, no gossip, no fights, non of the bullshit I saw going on with other groups.
I was happy, I found myself new bestfriends, ones that I'll have forever. Ones who understood me.
Yet I couldn't share anything with any any of them. I always had this feeling that I wasn't important enough to them. That I could disappear and they would feel bad but not devastated, because I know that I'll always be the one who cares more.
Also I wanted to maintain the image they had of me, I was the clever sweet girl of our clique, fun to be around without being too loud, yet wise enough to go to for advise, and I was always afraid that if they knew, they'll pity me instead of accepting me. They'll feel bad about me and grow more careful in my presence, it would have created a tense heavy atmosphere.
I thought if they saw how much anger I had inside me they wouldn't want me around. And if they saw me for who I truly am they would get rid of me politely.
I took a step back then. Maybe it was all in m head, these fears were my demons. And it wasn't on anyone but myself to conquer them and I had to do it on my own.
Five years later and we are still as solid as sisters.
They still don't know that I cut myself sometimes or about the boys who broke my heart. I like the keep my sadness to myself. I don't like to verbalise them, it always sounds wrong and inaccurate. I wouldn't convey it correctly and I don't see the point of throwing my burdens on someone else's shoulders.
I like to keep my friends close, but always from a safe distance, and this answers your question when you asked me why am I shutting you out.
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