Wilted Words

whenever you're going through an endless dark night, and everything around you is bleak and grey, remember you have a light inside you, that can turn this night into day.

I found a bloomed daisy, I held it closely and decided to start a count. one, a week after we met then we arranged a meeting where we had a nice long night, we talked non-stop, then we went out for a walk, I remember giggling till my stomach hurt. Before I go home he offered to walk with me although he didn't have to. I was cold and he gave me his jacket. two, I didn't hear from him for whole ten days afterwards. three, I called in sick the other day, he came with a bouquet of flowers and my favorite chocolate. He wanted to stay with me the whole day until I was better, I told him not to but still he stayed. four, I called him two times, texted him three times, he saw my text and didn't reply. the next day I asked him why he didn't answer me yesterday, and he ignored my question. five, it's my birthday, I woke up to long sweet text from him, he asked me to meet him to find out that he had a party planned for me. six, I am talking and he is not ev...

I have always wondered how two people can be married and hate each other. up until lately I have always thought that people in relationships have their feelings sorted out. Especially those who decide to get married and become one. but then, who doesn't hate themselves a little bit? let alone another person who's going to know all about them? They'll know all abnout your failures and underachieved goals. How you always say you will quit smoking tomorrow but that never happens, how you seem cruel and heartless sometimes while other times you can't keep your shit together and you fall apart. maybe, after you marry someone, they start seeing those things that you hate about yourself, and if you didn't choose your life partner correctly, they'll hate you for it too. it doesn't happen overnight, and it doesn't always happen over arguments. all what it takes is a flicker to start the fire. it's unspoken words and resentment buried deep somewhere. ...

I can't confined in more than one person at a time. I realised that in my early teen years, I had many friends then but I barely shared anything with all of them, it was all fun and going out and school issues. Nothing personal. I am exactly sure who built that barrier between me and people around me. I have to admit that a big part of it is on me, my lack of confidence to speak my mind, my disinterest in what they talked about all the time, my quiet shy nature and the fact that I prefer to listen than talk and most people take that as a sign of an empty mind, not one filled with complicated words. I have a tendency of keeping things to myself too. No one needs to hear about the nightmare I had last night or my conclusion on a book's plot that I'm reading, it's not their fault that we didn't see eye to eye when it came to interests. And that was how I grew apart from my first group of friends. It's been years since I've seen them now. We still occasiona...

It amazes me how immensely fascinating our world is. Yet it's saddening how no one seems to be able to see it.  Most adults lost their childish curiosity and enthusiasm towards anything. Nothing is excites them any more, we think that we've seen every color, heard enough stories, met enough people, and nothing is ever considered new. That alone is reason enough to make most people lose motivation, and lose their passion.  a life without passion is nothing but a boring routine.  and no one can understand the danger of slow dull life until it's too late, when days are lost and time you can't get back has passed by along with opportunities you have missed.   and then you'll always have this subtle kind of pain, tugging at your sleeves, constantly reminding you of your mistakes. A soft guilt, gentle, but never subsiding, reluctant to leave you alone.    There are so many things people can do to avoid reaching ...

A lump the size of the world is lodged in my throat. I try to speak but no one can hear me, my voice is barely a whisper, I try to shout it out, still it is not audible. I curl on the couch, trying to fold my self into a small ball. It doesn't help. It doesn’t change the facts and it doesn't help me accepting this new reality. I didn't mean to make him my universe it just happened. Sometimes I play the whole thing over and over in my head, trying to exactly pinpoint the day it all went wrong, like a nameless city on a map. His details has faded a bit now. I don't quite remember the tone of his voice. But then there are things I can't forget not in a million years. The way he looked at me, The way he formed his words in such care and delicacy just for me. It's hard to stop searching for myself in his words, even when I know they're not meant for me, they probably never were. I don't speak about him anymore. And every time I promise myself not t...

I wish I knew how not to exist. Not in the sense of death. I don't want to die now. I haven't fathomed death as a concept yet. To me, it's something that happens to other, the people around me or people I love, but not me. Just as love, which is irrelevant here, but just as I was saying, I want to not exist here. Sometimes after I wake up and get over wit my daily routine, I come to the conclusion that this is no the life I want. It is definitely not the life I imaged for my self five years ago. And I am not saying this because my life is that awful, it's simply not what I want for myself. Most of the time I daydream of running off  with nothing but a backpack with my favorite books and bare minimum requirements for life. This kind of life suffocating me. And what makes things worse is knowing that I could do better. And that it feels like I am just watching my days pass by.

Your love is pure and unassuming, It's the kind that heals hearts and breaks walls, And as promising as it seems it's not what I am looking for. I am on journey, one that I have to do alone. Maybe you can sit at the side line, and whisper words of encouragement to me before I go. Watch me until I'm a faded figure in the horizon and an echo of promises I made. Watch me leave, and curse your heart for being so weak, and your mind for talking you into believing me. I want to say I'm sorry but I don't dare to ask for your forgiveness, which you would give willingly without a second thought. I don't deserve it. What you don't know is that I chose to be alone. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, To me they're all the same. I wish if it had been enough, but it isn't, and I can't give you what is long gone. It's not someone else's heart that I am seeking, it's my own.