Wilted Words

I'm made of flesh, of blood and bones.  and a lot more than just those.  I'm disappointment, fear and regret all at once,  a rushing mind and a lazy body.  all my stocked words, and my unfinished  foggy thoughts, all the things I yearn for, all the experiences I long to share with someone. my unidentifiable sadness, and irrational tears, all my genuine crooked smiles, and loud noisy laughs. all the things I think about, and the things that never cross my mind. all my high hopes and childish dreams. some days, I just feel like the world is too small for me, like a prisoner in my own ribcage. I always have the feeling of longing hovering over my head. Like a gray cloud that no one can see. I exhaust my mind with unnecessary intersecting thoughts. or it does that to me. it does not matter. because I misplaced abstracts that I can no longer find.

Velvet petals, with droplets of dew lying lazily in randomness, drizzled every morning, with care and love and undying attachment. Velvet Petals,  with bent edges, and unrivalled softness, a snow covered plain, is non-compared to the spotless pure white of yours. Velvet petals, in a neat clipped corsage, blossoming happiness, a rich redolent scent, sweet promises held in them, embalming the air around me. Velvet petals, patience leaked out of your vases, stop feigning ignorance you knew who you were meant to, we're almost there, I can't turn back, so stand tall and stay strong, before you wilt down and turn black.

It took me forever to feel safe again. But I had to pay a price, This rare security, I couldn't find it around people. It's something I only obtain when I am alone. And if that meant for lonliness to creep it way across my heart like ivory so be it. I can't take another disappointment. I can't stand another loss. Never being enough? You really don't know how it exhausting it is, How much I wanted your heart, I guess that wasn't too much to ask for. I demanded the truth and all I got was illegible rambles that reflected how messed up you were. I was not my place to fix you, I didn't want to fix you at all. I loved your knotty thoughts and tangled feelings. I just wanted to caress your soul with warmth, to inject pink into your gray aura, to teach you how to love again. You were rendered. You rendered me, and I hope you remember me.

The truth doesn't matter now. It didn't matter then, and it wouldn't make any difference now. Everything in this life is about perception, how you see things, how you sense them, and how you understand them. Truth is relative. Just like time. Is hiding the truth worse than lying? That's relative too. It's and empty circle, after all that's what circles do, they start at one point and end at the very same point. Just a wast of time. Diameters change, but it only affects the size of the circle. Still a circle nonetheless.

In complete submission, I wave my white flag. Before you blame me, hear my story, or walk a mile in my shoes. or you know what? never mind. it doesn't matter anymore. I am giving up, and for the first time in my life I'm taking a step back instead of throwing myself in.  Because I know what's waiting on the other side, mass chaos and complete destruction, I can't live in constant war. That's why I don't want you anymore. I've seen how battles changes people, I've seen the aftermath and casualties that these kind of wars leave behind, and I have been through enough already, you of all people know. Sometimes I think it wasn't even about you, I don't want to take the blame, but it's not your fault that I don't know how to be loved. it's not your mistake that I fall without parachutes, I'd rather lose my heart rather than losing my mind while trying to find answers, trying to wrap it around the fact that I wasn't ...

The same moon hangs up in the same sky every single night. it looks down upon the Earth, observing and inspecting the scenes scattered here and there. where sadness washes over happiness, embraces it like a long lost lover, where love sneakes around, hiding inside fragile hearts and thick shields of protection, where mercy and cruelty collide, in a cynical unity, a woman's screams of pain while giving birth, equivelant to another's screams over the death of a child. yet the moon stands there in the vast space and does what it has to do, a by-stander walking down a crime scene. I'm nothing but a moon, watching the world from a distance, only then I realise how insignicant I am. and I wonder how sometiems, I feel so caught up in my own distress, imprisoned in a bubble of my own making. it won't do me any good if I step outside. I often forget that the world has horrible problems, far worse than my lack of fortune.  I forget th...

First, I need to get out of here, I am already at the door, just when I'm seconds away from dashing out, making my great escape, a low whimper, a soft whisper, forced me to turn back, please forgive me, I have only a moment to reflect on the pain before it engulfs me, The accompanying humiliation will not allow me much more than that, I am so stunned, that for a minute I can't even move, I've been holding my breathe, I'm pressing my fist to my mouth, to stifle a scream, I press my habds on my ears, and I squeeze my eyes shut, maybe if I can't hear the voices anymore, maybe if I can't see those shadows, it will all go away, but truth is, I'm nothing but a coward, I can't run away, and sometimes I wonder why I insist on keeping myself alive. I take another steady breathe, it doesn't calm me down, you'll be alright, I promise, a sweet voice, commanding me, not giving me a choice, how can sour lies not affect the melodiou...

Mediocre, dull and plain, Faded,  Like the color of your jeans, With a heart, buried in the sand, pumping pain,  and lost in wild dreams. With a mind full of tangles and thoughts,  Knotted,  In millions of ties.  With a soul yearning for the space,  And a body rooted in the ground.  I am the words I didn't mean, and the mistakes I didn't apologize for,  a combination of what I was and what I'm trying to be, I am what I feel, and who I fell for.  I am what I working so hard to achieve,  And what I'm hoping for.  I am my constant sadness,  and my temporary happiness, I'm the thoughts that I feed in my head, and the things I keep to myself.   I am a mixture of extremes, that don't result in balance or equilibrium, nor it gives inner peace. I am the secrets I hide,  and my honesty. I'm the kindness I vouch for the world, as must as my indifference, the rigidness of my ...

It doesn't matter why it went wrong, or how, Everything is just the same, and will stay the same. If it had happened then, or now, Still, nothing would change. I don't believe in sweet promises, or forevers, I don't believe that anything can stay the same for eternity, like a scene of a painting, or a song on repeat. I know that because what happened is not something I can blame you for. I don't expect you to try to fix it. Blaming myself won't get me anywhere either, I don't see how genuinely, truly loving someone can be a crime, But you can't force yourself to feel something that you don't. and I can't force myself to stop feeling. Despite that, the pain still punches me, at times like this. Sometimes, I don't think it will ever stop harming me. The knife that I cut you off with is the same knife I twist in my chest, Sometimes, I feel blood flooding my intervals and it doesn't seem like this wound will ever heal. Beca...