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when I was a kid, I had all my life planned. I knew what kind of a person I want to be. I always did the right things, said the right things. but that is not how things are going now.
if I met a younger version of myself I should apologize to her, I owe her that. I managed to disappoint her.
somehow I managed to choose the worst version of myself, and become that.
if only I could have a time out
but I don't think I can change that, I can't help what I became.
an outcast, I'm even foreign to myself.

being an outcast Isn't about the love that I don't receive, it's about the love that I desperately want to give.
the love that's still inside me like a stagnant water, after a while it becomes polluted with all kind of toxic, running through my circulation.
poisoning me.
and I wonder what have I done wrong, and why nothing seems right or correct these days?
why my laughs are superficial while my tears come in from a bottomless chasm within me? and why I can't get a peaceful night sleep.
why my heart feels empty and why my mind is so loaded crowded crammed and stalked with all kind of things I don't want.
It must be me, I think,  it's my fault.
because I don't want to blame it on anyone, because I am not an innocent victim.
and I start to believe that there is nothing to my life more than this, that there is nothing to me more than this.

I'm starting to accept that I'm just a small flower growing in crevices, easy to overlook, or maybe step on.
I'm just a side effect. a secondary role in everyone stories. I could disappear and the show would still go on. I am just a phase. and what's really sad about this is the fact That I'm totally aware to it. I am aware of how easily people lose interest in my company, I even got used to it. but sometimes it hurts, to know that I'm not as important as I thought I was. it's like sticking hundreds of tiny sharp needles to my heart. it still looks fine but it's not functioning.
I wanted to change the world, to save it, to make it a better place, I wanted to be a Hero, someones Hero.
I need to prove my existence, I want to matter, I want to be as big the Solar system, and I want to be the Sun, and I know, I know that it will never be enough for me. That non of this would happen.

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