Wilted Words

when I was a kid, I had all my life planned. I knew what kind of a person I want to be. I always did the right things, said the right things. but that is not how things are going now. if I met a younger version of myself I should apologize to her, I owe her that. I managed to disappoint her. somehow I managed to choose the worst version of myself, and become that. if only I could have a time out but I don't think I can change that, I can't help what I became. an outcast, I'm even foreign to myself. being an outcast Isn't about the love that I don't receive, it's about the love that I desperately want to give. the love that's still inside me like a stagnant water, after a while it becomes polluted with all kind of toxic, running through my circulation. poisoning me. and I wonder what have I done wrong, and why nothing seems right or correct these days? why my laughs are superficial while my tears come in from a bottomless chasm within me? and why I...

1. always smile, nothing is worth wiping your angelic smile away. NOTHING. 2. if you wanted to do something, and it wasn't against what you believe in, go for it without any hesitation. 3. others' opinions doesn't matter. not even me. if you like your hair short , cut it, you don't need anyone's approval or validation. 4. People make mistakes, and sometimes they make the same mistakes again and again. always forgive their firsts, then it's your choice if you want to forgive them again and give them second chances. 5. learn how to forgive yourself. only apologize when you do something wrong. and it's okay to repeat a mistake as long as you learn something new from it. 6. you are a person, before being a girl. whatever you want to do with your life, whatever you want to be when you grow up, it's your decision, but you have to know that not all d ecisions  are reversible, when you make a solid one , you also have to take the consequences that...

I fell for the wrong version of you. for a version I made up. for a version I desperately wanted. I fell for what could've been would've been should've been. not for you. I feel for a non existing version, and it's my fault, for wanting to recreate you, to unravel you, to mold you, and I did that a thousand million times. until you became someone else. until the you  I loved was a man who called me everyday, and asked about the lamest tiniest details. until he became the person I spent hours with in my imagination, I had conversation with you about the universe at 4 a.m. when I couldn't sleep. I listened to all my favorite songs with you and we sang along. we raced and danced and did many things together. you were with me all the time, everywhere. but you weren't. and seeing you the other day, how you didn't greet me with open arms, happy eyes and a smile the size of the universe. and then realized it. that I was aching for you but not...