late night thoughts.

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It isn't night.
and it isn't late, I hope.
but this thought -question- or the swarm of those thoughts and questions, are always there, never leaving me to have a moment of peace.  
I don't know what triggers them, really I don't, if I did maybe I could stop these thoughts from hitting me the way tides fiercely hit the shores.   
maybe they're buried deep within me, and they're constantly provoked by what people tell me, provoked to be unleashed. 
I don't know what to do with them, to keep on suppressing them or to acknowledge their gnawing and noises ?   
I know that the first step in solving problems is admitting having them. 
but what if they were vague, unclear, like a fog surrounding your heart, blinding your sight, like a tight black blindfold on your eyes, stopping you from placing them ? 

what is this all about ? 
what is life about?

every time I get  lose to an answer it slips away, like a stream of water, I watch all the truths that I know, and everything I believe in as they drop out of my hands and shatter to the floor. 
and I'm helpless, so helpless I'm ashamed to my bone marrow.

I thought it was about finding happiness? wrong.
I thought it was becoming successful? wrong.
I thought it was about fixing things, about growing a green thumb, giving a bit of yourself to everything you meet to make it bloom, I thought it was about giving.
wrong wrong so goddamn wrong. 

I don't know anything anymore. 
I don't see the point of my life ?

everything seems the same, or somehow planned. 
and I don't think that playing safe is enough for me, or if it will ever be. 

I don't like the bitterness of everything around me. Neither the monotonic life I'm holding.
It's hard to live your life in anticipation for what might or might not happen.

 Fear of being stuck  in a golden cage, I'm not sure I want that. I'm not sure what I I I want anymore. 

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