Do you ever wonder how your life changes constantly and how absurdly unaware you are of the exact moment that the change happens ?

Do you remember growing up ?
the last time people stopped treating you like a child,
the last time your mom read you a story or your dad held your hand while crossing the street ?
do you remember the exact moment, the very  first time, when loneliness found its way through your veins to your heart and pumped with your blood through your whole body ?

do you remember the triumph you felt after tying your shoelace on your own for the first time ?
do you remember your excitement at new experiences, before every  thing turned dull like a monotonic tune ?

It saddens me how I lost my grip on all these moments.

and I certainly don't remember how I ended up like this.

I don't know how I ended up like this, I don't remember the exact moment I stopped believing people. not believing anyone who cares.

There are many different kind of sadness. There is the heart wrenching soul crushing desperate kind of sadness. There is the kind of sadness that swallows all your emotions and fill you with emptiness no matter how much you try to fill this void, you always end up empty.
And there is the calm sadness, this one never leaves, it always there, like the buzzing or the flickering of a neon light. Or the humming of a fan.
There might be silence around, but it's always there at the back of your mind, to accompany you on your lonely nights.
And I don't know what kind of those three is worse, and I don't know how many kinds of sadness I can endure yet.

Maybe that what happens when you get disappointed so many times that you lose count. Maybe that why we stop hoping.
hope is more dangerous than fear.
it will come to you as a salvation of misery
but it'll only make things worse.
 

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