Permanent.

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Somehow you will always be here,
As if you have never left.
the pain is still here, alongside with your memory. 
the sense of your presence is not enough, it's always here, but it's never enough...
I can kneel at your grave for hours and cry, but it's nothing compared to the strength you gave me whenever I cried in front of you.
I can stare at your pictures for hours, but I will never see your eyes staring back at me, unraveling me, turning me inside out.  
it's worthless, it's not the same.
I can't hold you any more, I can't feel your warmth creep into me, I can't feel your presence shining like the only star that ever was. 
I'm deprived of all those things now, and sometimes it feels like it's more than I can tolerate. 
I run away to my dreams, that is the only place where I can enjoy our stolen moments...where I can touch your hands and they feel so real... I can see you smiling warmly at me, telling me everything will be alright, and that you never wanted to leave me.
and I want to grasp those words and hold them in my hands, wrap them in golden silk and keep them in my pocket.
recite them like a lullaby, whisper them like my secret prayer.
because you were my heaven and you will always be. 
that's the thing about death, we planned every thing, but we never planned this. 

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