My sadness.

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I want to talk about my sadness.
But my sadness is a rude distant relative that has no business in my house, yet insists on staying and interfering with every small detail of my life.
My sadness is a predator that has claimed me as a prey, a malicious vicious killer that hunts for the fun of the chase, and when I finally landed in its clutches it toyed with me, tossing me around, yawning, bored at my lack of resistance.
My sadness is the clique of girls who bullied me through elementary school, middle school, high school and when I run into them somewhere a few years later I greet them casually because I am a grown up and I am mature and I have put it all behind me, pretending they weren't one of the reasons I am mesirable.
My sadness is a grave I dug with my bare hands in a cold hard ground of a wasteland to bury it but instead I fell into it, and got buried where there is no tombstone for recognition.
My sadness is treacherous and cruel, sometimes it allows me to go about my day like a regular person, I have to admit, but so rarely let me sleep soundly.
My sadness knows me too well, it's been hanging out in my head for too long. Felling the crevices of my brain, embedding intricate thoughts, weaving a sheen of misery and wrapping it tightly, securing it around my brain until there is nothing else but its existence.
My sadness is as unpredictable and overwhelming as a tidal wave that was supposed to tickle your toes but instead it engulfs you whole.
My sadness is a possessive control freak that can't read my mind and it doesn't like it when I think of anything else.
My sadness is cunning and sneaky because it hid the reasons why it's here.
It has diffused itself within me, the way a drop of inks diffuses in transparent clear water, their particles merged into one.
Often I am too exhausted to fight it.
It has integrated itself within me that it is no longer a separate entity.
Often I can't speak of it,
Because I wither and I cower,
My voice stutters and my words shatter,
Still I declare,
I am not my sadness, and it is not me.

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