Wilted Words

First, I have to get out of this place, I have to leave this claustrophobic room, I am already at the door, Please forgive me. I have only a moment to reflect on the pain before it engulfs me, The accompanying humiliation will not allow me much more than that, A traitor, Who doesn't deserve to live, I am so stunned that for a moment I can't even move, We don't forgive. I am pressing my fist to my mouth, Because truth is, I am nothing but a coward, And some days I wonder why I insist on keeping myself alive. I take another steady breath, You'll be alright, we promise. I am no longer feeling gracious. I am surprised to discover how much I enjoy the bitterness. I fall against the wall and crumble to the floor, I collapse, But now, they're here, They're holding guns, And pointing it at my head, Pointing it at my heart, What is happening to me ?

I have lost my words. I lost them somewhere in a pile of papers, unfinished, scribbled down on pages, discarded, like a neglected child. I have lost my voice. I think I have lost it in a canyon with no echo, or maybe I've forgotten that I have one to begin with, how can I dare to speak when I know everything coming out of my mouth is a failed attempt of tenderness ? I think I have lost my mind. Trying to figure out how to be. The riot of emotion in side my chest hurts , and my soul is bruised. The constant battle is wearing me out, Draining me, Drowning me. I don't know how to breathe, I don't know how to be. With so many rules set out, and so many laws I seem to be ignorant of, I have lost so many times, Against the people I love, Against myself, Against the world. I try to tell myself that I am okay. Like useless words of condolences coupled with genuine sympathy, I tell myself that I will be okay, Like the frail promise of cure to a terminal illness, ...