Only then

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My heart beats sounds like a drum in my ear and I am taking short shallow breaths to steady my self.
I hide in the bathroom but it's pointless, even if I stay here for an hour it won't calm me down.
I look at the mirror and I hope I don't look as nervous as I feel.
I picked up this outfit a week ago, when you called me and told me you wanted to finally meet me.
My nerves got the best of me and I think about leaving,
What if he doesn't like what he sees ?
A hundred things could go wrong, but it's too late to back down you'd be here any minute.
I check my face for the third time, inspecting my features as if they were foreign, I hope I am not wearing too much makeup or too little.
I want to be just about right.
I wash my hands without necessity and I head out.
Calm down.
I try to match the rhythm of my heart to my steps, slow and steady.
And I catch a glimpse of you.
You walk in the front door elegantly, not a weight on your shoulder.
The lightness of your steps and the firmness of your posture stun me.
You're real and you're here.
Just a few strides away from me.
I stare at you as you seat yourself somewhere by the window. You look at your watch and fidget a little,
Maybe he is as nervous as I am.
I look at you and I study you for few more seconds, just like a naturalist who is afraid to get close to a fascinating creature he's watching because he might scare it away.
I swallow hard, my throat is suddenly dry and my hands shake a little. I can feel my anxiety growing, like a snow ball rolling off a hill, as I walk towards you, with every step, I revise what I am going to say, I repeat it over and over in my head, too scared to stutter, to say the wrong thing or maybe to give the wrong impression
I don't want to mess things up.
You look up and you see me and the most effortless smile forms on your face, the kind of smile that I would never forget.
I pull my chair and I set, and I fold my hands in my lap, too scared that you'd notice that my hands are shaking.
I am suddenly self-conscious and I am no longer sure about my choice of cloths.
You start talking smoothly and I listened, I listened with every cell of my body.
I listened, trying to memorize the tone of your voice, the melody of tour laugh, the high pitch in your voice when you end your sentences.
There was a moment of silence,
It was the good kind of silence, completely opposite of the one strangers share at social events.
The silence of recognition and relief.
Or it was to me anyway.
I glanced at you all the time without you noticing(or at least that's what I hope).
I noticed the two small moles on your neck, and the thousands faded freckles on your face, forming their own constellation of beauty.
And your eyes,
Your eyes,
I could drown in them.
And I couldn't help but think
I could easily love you.
Only then I realized that I do, in so many ways that I can't explain, love you.
The way you speak and the way you sit and the creases that form between your eyebrows when you're deep in thought.
I want your voice to be my lullaby,
I want to know your every thought,
And hear all about your childhood memories.
I want to be yours.
I want to belong to you,
I want to make you laugh, God, I love the sound of your laugh.
I want you.
Your past, your present, your future,
I want to know the warmth of your embrace, and the warmth of your heart,
I could make it my home,
My sanctuary place,
Where I can be who I truly am,
Without fear of judgment or rejection,
I want it all.
And I want it all with you.

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