the dilemma

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I have ten fingers, and ten toes.
I have nine t-shirts, eight pairs of shoes, seven trousers and six friends,
I have five pens and four limbs,
I have three siblings,
I have two kidneys, two lungs, two ears, two eyes,
I have one mouth, one heart, one brain,
and infinite words,
infinite thoughts.

these are the only things I am sure of today.
I am sure of facts and facts only. of simple profound factual things, like the rising sun and the chirping birds outside, I am sure of the traffic and the polluted air and the couple arguing next door, I am sure of things that I can see, hear or smell, I am sure that the speed of light is still the same and that the Earth is still rotating around the sun, around itself.

But, what I am not sure of is the real problem here, I am not sure of how I like my tea anymore, or if I even like it to begin with. I am not sure about the clear sky because there is still a possibility that it might rain, I am not sure I want what I want, feel what I feel or think what I am thinking (am I?)
is it all me? or is it induced thoughts/feelings? are these bundles of intertwined messes something I created or, like an abandoned child, is a load thrown at me to handle?
I don't know I don't know I don't know
I don't know anything anymore.

all I know is that my life is on hold, I am waiting for something to happen to make me feel profound and to anchor me down. the truth is, I have no idea what that something could possibly be. I stopped looking for it a while ago. I am stuck in this place where it's safe but dim, where it is sound but dull, where I am given all the time that I need an running out of it.

It is not ideal and I want to break free (do I?)
everyday I lose my hope, like a big old tree, stripping out of its leaves one by one, I watch my hope fade away, bit by bit, and I am scared that one day it will no longer be here, the tree will die and I wouldn't have any seeds left to plant it again, or the power to do it.

am I happy? no. But I am not exactly sad either about how far I got. I can keep going, I can try, to say the least, I owe to myself to try, but the question that I keep on slamming into, like a high glass wall is ''What for?"
why should I do it? for who?
why should I be better? why should I become better? why do I want to achieve and become something?
for who?

For myself? That's the right answer, I guess.
We are like this. We do things to make us feel important and not so worthless, to give our existence real meaning. To be able to go to sleep at night.
But what if all of this was an illusion.
Something forced on us to choose, this kind of life and this kind of mentality?
Being who you truly are and who you want to be and making your own path is a luxury most of us can't afford.

Comments

  1. AbdellatifNovember 5, 2016 at 6:56 AM

    I'm astonished at your ability to stick to writing, or rather I feel jealous.
    Anyway.
    You should be better for yourself. And you should start realizing how blessed you are with your own life and self, and how free you can be.
    Don't sit around waiting for anything, initiate the fire of your life and go on.

    

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wilted wordsNovember 7, 2016 at 11:37 AM

      Thanks for the reply.I really appreciate it.
      Well, this was written in a moment of helplessness and desperation. We all have days like that where we feel like we have lost control of everything, and gradually losing everything... sleeping on it and after a few cups of nice warm tea, it was a little bit better :p

      Delete
  2. AbdellatifNovember 7, 2016 at 12:29 PM

    Yeah, tell me about such days :)
    Keep on writing, you're doing well! I'm receiving a notification every time you post something :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wilted wordsNovember 7, 2016 at 12:37 PM

      I will ^^
      may this gust of inspiration never end.
      and thanks.

      Delete

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