Before you.

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I no longer tell them anything.
I don't share my favorite songs or discuss my favorite movies with anyone.
I don't suggest my favorite books either.
because I know what it's like to share every part of yourself recklessly, that was before you.
now I don't do that.
it's like a bad habit that I kicked away.
At first it made me a little uneasy to hide away like that, it was a bit tiring too.
I didn't want to give an honest answer whenever they asked me what's wrong.
I thought they would notice and assail me with questions, demanding answers that I don't have,
but they didn't.
and I was a little bit relieved that I don't have to go through that.
I wasn't always in the mood to explain, after all, what should I say? how can I put it into words?
How can I let them know that this is the only way I could pick myself up again?
I can't fly with broken wings,
and that's all I have for now, that's all I could manage, a pair of worn out useless wings.

But then it wasn't long till they noticed, I guess it's hard to hide the fact that I have been skipping meals for days, and having nightmares every time I close my eyes, waking up more tired than before going to sleep.

My mother doesn't even bother any more, she doesn't call me for dinner or ask me about my sleeping pattern because she knows her efforts are futile, and because I will lie anyway.
My friends stopped asking me how I was because they know I'll just laugh, tell a lame joke, talk about the weather, say anything but how I really am.
I saw it in their eyes, their detecting inspecting eyes, never leaving my face, searching me.
But this is how things are now.
this is who I am now.

It took me long enough to understand it, but now I do, now I know how one small mistake can change you, how it remodels you like clay.
it not necessary your mistake, sometimes the decisions that people around you make that affect your life directly, leaving you in a complete mess, a mess that you are somehow responsible for.


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