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I find myself thinking a lot lately.
I'm absent-minded almost all the time, which isn't a very good sign.
I think about nothing in particular, and everything in general.

everything seems remote these days.
like I'm over-viewing my life from a vantage point.
like I'm watching everything from a safe distance.

and the worst thing about this nothingness is that I don't even know how it consumed me, how I became so numb and lifeless.

how can I feel full with the void stretching within ?
how can I feel whole again with the black hole inside me, swallowing whatever feelings left in me?

I'm  nothing but doubt, confusion and curiosity.
I'm floating without a destination in the stormy sea.
the Surging waves are throwing me in all directions,
the fierce tides are keeping me away from the shore,
and I'm all over the place,
I'm lost without guidance.

I'm full with love that no one wants, it stagnated in my heart,
it turned into murky hatred and anger,
that's flowing through my veins, poisoning my blood,
and I can't get rid of them, I can't kick them out of my system.

I'm full with questions that no one has the answers to.
And most of the time my head is crammed with intersecting ideas, incomplete sentences and unfinished stories.
like a static noise at the back of my mind, and I can't take it anymore.

So, sometimes I set around and wonder,
how can sadness feel so casual and normal,
while happiness is so rare and seldom,
I wonder why clouds cry only at winter,
and why flowers die at Autumn.

I wonder how is it possible for me to love someone while hating everything about them,
how the sky feels like a roof above my head sometimes, or how I don't fit in my own skin anymore, like I no longer belong to this body,
it can't contain me any longer.

And I wonder about this world that I was forced to live in,
how strikingly, magnificently and breathtakingly beautiful it is,
yet so cruel and unfair.

I wonder how the absence of light could be scary,
and how absence of love could be dreading.

but I mostly wonder about people,
how can they act so strong while falling apart,
how they wear deceiving smiles while putting a dagger in your chest.

I wonder how silence could be annoying,
how the sound of life around you could be comforting,
how we find consolation in letters and musical notes.

Because the air I'm breathing is no longer enough to keep me alive,
there must be more to everything.
  
So I listen tentatively to the whispers of the winds,
I search for the secrets folded within the sky,
and I hope that one day I'll be more.

because the idea of being nothing than what I am right now is restricting,
and the little voice of the rebellion inside of me is getting louder, I can't ignore it anymore.

it's hard to live like this, when nothing is ever enough.
and it's hard to live without the hope of a better life,
but it's harder to live with it.

Because all what it takes is a spark of hope,
to burn you down to ashes.

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