Fairy tale.

-
I want everyone to leave me alone,
I am afraid I would seep glimpse of my darkness into them,
I am afraid that my murky soul will ooze out, creating a mess that I won't be able to contain,
stay away,
it is no one's job to fix what's already deformed in me.
it isn't anyone's fault,
that my heart was fractured repeatedly into million fragments, that it's no longer capable of anything but pumping blood into my veins.
yet I tried, I tried so hard to put it back together, but I couldn't, a lot of the pieces were missing,
gone.
I will push anyone who comes near me,
I will build my walls high, hide in a tour of concrete solitude and nothingness.
I will keep it out of sight within a maze of poisoned accusations and doubts and guarded by a dragon, innervated by the lies I fed.

Run away and save yourself,
because I have lots of fears, but what scares me the most is that my inchoate defective heart is never going to be enough for anyone.

I am living in fear, between the monsters I trained and hid under my bed, and the demons who found their sanctuary within me.
I am crammed with worries and uncertainty, and there is no longer a room for anything else,
no room for life, no room for love.
no room for peace, no room for freedom.
I am strained to my bones, chained by other's estimations of me.
I am pinned down and bound by their rules and opinions of me.
I can no longer keep my head up, and reach for the stars, for the greatness that's waiting at the horizon.

I am at constant war with myself,
and I'm tired, I'm exhausted of going through these brutal battles,
battles that I'll always lose even if I somehow manage to win.
these victories are false and feeble.

I am torn between my heart and my mind,
between what I want and what I know is right,
I am invaded by loneliness,
I am conquered by self-consciousness.

don't blame me, all I ever wanted was to protect myself and to be accepted.
to wheel away from disappointments,
to evade another pain,
to spare myself the ache of loss.
and I lost myself in the process.

I tried so hard to find it again, but I lost my guidance,
the bleakness of my insides engulfed me and I can't seem to find my way out,
the pressure of everyone's expectations is crushing my ribs and I can no longer breath,
the way they would judge me from a peek to my outer shell, so unfair, so infuriating.

but now
I think it's time.
it is the time to break.
it's time to finally
break
free.


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