Wilted Words

It's 3 am in the morning. and I'm tangled in my cold sheets, wide awake, staring at the empty wall before me. I can't sleep. and it's not because I had caffeine or that I slept during the day, no. it's because of you. it's your shy smile, the glint in your eyes, and the 3 syllables you told me, syllables I didn't know before. it's magical how 3 simple words could change you as a whole, how it can draw a smile in your face each now and then during the day just by thinking about them , how it can make your heart expand, fill it with sunshine and rainbows and feelings you can't comprehend that it no longer fits in your chest. it's like having the universe inside you, you wouldn't know emptiness. and love, I think, is like sky diving. you could be terrified before you jump because you're taking huge risks, but you still want to do it, and try what it feels like. and then when you take the leap, you feel the world in your hands, as...

to me, I loved myself once, before society told me it was wrong to love myself if I didn't fit the mold they made, and lived up to their criteria. I loved myself once. because back then, my worth was beyond my weight, much more than my grades, and I was much more than my bitten finger beds and more than the bags under my eyes. I remember how proud I was, how happy and comfortable I was in my own skin, but now those bones are too stiff, I can't get them to move without aching me, I became a prisoner in my own corpse. I'm a guilty criminal, my deadly crimes were wrong first impressions. and as it seems, those felonies are never forgiven, never forgotten. no matter how charity and community service I'd do, they're just not enough, to make them overlook my faults. I loved myself once, before I started over-thinking every move I make, and every word I say, and every friendly approach I offer. I loved my spontaneous actions, I loved having the green card...

I want everyone to leave me alone, I am afraid I would seep glimpse of my darkness into them, I am afraid that my murky soul will ooze out, creating a mess that I won't be able to contain, stay away, it is no one's job to fix what's already deformed in me. it isn't anyone's fault, that my heart was fractured repeatedly into million fragments, that it's no longer capable of anything but pumping blood into my veins. yet I tried, I tried so hard to put it back together, but I couldn't, a lot of the pieces were missing, gone. I will push anyone who comes near me, I will build my walls high, hide in a tour of concrete solitude and nothingness. I will keep it out of sight within a maze of poisoned accusations and doubts and guarded by a dragon, innervated by the lies I fed. Run away and save yourself, because I have lots of fears, but what scares me the most is that my inchoate defective heart is never going to be enough for anyone. I am living in ...