To all whom I once loved. pt3

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Dear Love,
although I don't know if I should call you love anymore,
Sorry, I'm sorry.
you hated it when I apologized without a reason, but I guess that's the only thing I can do, the only thing I'm excellent at, being sorry.

this time I'm apologizing for the right reasons, I'm sorry I ever loved you.

do you remember that time when we talked how people always hurt each other despite their feelings?
you said that everything is justified if it was done for the right reasons. It's all about intentions. 
that's what you said.
No matter how wrong the deed was, it's okay if it was for the right reasons.
I wish I knew what were your intentions when you hurt me.

What good was behind treating me like I was the only star in your ever dark sky, and then leaving?

maybe I'm an idiot because I can't see beyond the pain and the emptiness, maybe I'm a fool because I still want to believe that you never meant to hurt me even when you did.
maybe I'm a fool because I still miss you sometime.

I still think about you sometimes.
when I listen to your favorite song on the radio. when I come across one of your favorite books.
I still check on you sometimes, and I hate myself for dong it.

because I know you don't miss me, and that I never cross your mind.
because now I'm starting to doubt all the things you said to me.
because all these are facts, the sky is blue, water boils at 100 degrees, and you never loved me.
you wanted to fix me.
you said you told me you loved only because you thought I was hurt.

you never loved how messy my mind was, you feared the darkness I had within.
you always thought of me as shattered glass that can never be put back together, you didn't understood me.
you thought of me as a wilting flower and you thought you could be my water.
you loved the idea of being a hero, a guy everyone would look at and think " wow, how could he put up with all that mess? he's such a great person"

but you're not.
you wanted all my strength suppressed, you didn't like that part of me, you wanted me weak, fragile.
do you remember how you always acted like I was broken beyond repair?
and I hate you for it. I tried everything I could to impress you, to be good enough for you. but no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough, and I hate you for making me feel like that.

I know we didn't fall in love, but God, we would've.
I thought we were going to end up somewhere, other than broken promises and sad memories, I really did
I was willing to risk anything to be with you.
but I guess you didn't want it as much as I did. I guess it wasn't enough.
believe me when I say I want to hate you, I really do.
but I can't hate someone I no longer care about.

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