Wilted Words

fear, is a small creature, A parasite, living off your hopes, crippling you, an ever persistent voice in your head, it's a sly cunning being too, an illusive being, one that will mimic your own voice, and whisper all kind of unkind things to you. I know you are trying to run away, to turn your head and pretend that you don't see it hovering over your head, you try to cover your ears when it talks, to muffle its voice but that rarely helps. you can pretend and pretend but it will always be there, and the worst of them all is the fear of not being good enough, the fear that you're unworthy of what you want, This voice will convince you that it is easier to give up it is easier to not try to begin with. fear, is being locked in a prison of your own making with the keys a few inches away from you but still you won't reach for it. it is the constant reminder of how wrong things could go, it is the fuel for your cowardice. and I am not blaming you here, I under...

I was a quiet child, but I had a beautiful singing voice, Or so I believed. My voice was soft, and my words were shy like a five years old kid hiding behind her mother and clutching her elbow at first day of school, I couldn't hit high notes and my vocal range had limitations but that never stopped me, At least I had rhythm and I memorised lyrics easily, I grew up, and voice submerged beneath all the insecurities, I am more quiet and I no longer believe that my voice is beautiful, And my words, My words almost never mean what I want to say, They are deceiving, Every time I speak they promise that this time they're going to come out exactly as I mean them but they don't, They throw me under the big yellow bus, They cluster in my throat and push other words out, They ring the doorbell and run fast and I get caught, They never call for truce, So I decided to become silent, I nod yes, I shake my head no, I say the bare minimum to communicate, When the waiters...

The world blurs and melts, indicating the start of the ending, the world falls into mass chaos, after slowly dripping into an oozy thick black deliquescent substance, slipping through my own fingers, liquid suffering covering my hands, guilt..  for all the things I am feeling, for all the things I am not, for all the skeletons hanged in my closet, for all the hostages of secrets, terrified and loud in spite of how many times I stifle their noises. for all the dead thoughts, stagnant and sordid in spite of being buried miles within me. I have got miles and miles of skin, but it's transparent windopane, and there is no point of hiding that circus of crazed mess, it's on full display.  it's my shadow of an entourage, it's everything I am, it's everything I am not. it's the things I fear, it's my  loneliness  solitude, I am losing my mind in this murky place, I am on my way I am lost.  with no destination, no direction, I am being devoured by...

With you, it's like every cliche I have ever seen in every chic flick movie. I feel the giddiness of an eleven years old girl when she catches the boy she likes from school staring at her across the hall. With you, It's every cheesy line I have ever heard in a pop song. I become the fidgety thirteen years old teenager when her crush asks to borrow her notes. With you, I am so aware of my being, I am so aware of your presence. When I am in the most crowded places with you, you're the only one I see. When we're dancing clumsily, singing off-key, driving around the city aimlessly, idling around the small park in our town, or even watching some lame TV show that we both secretly dislike, these moments mean so much more to me than you could ever imagine, Because of you. The lulling sound of your voice, The freckles on your face, The way your thoughts form and the way you're so discreet about your feelings, You're so familiar to me now. I have you memori...

It all seems worthless after a while. Remember that well, because it's a common thing to occur in your life span. It is a vicious cycle, constant de ja vu, where things go wrong and then go right, Things go horribly wrong, but then the world tries to make amends by tipping the scale and granting you small victories. Congratulations! You didn't kill y ourself today. Look at you! You managed to leave your house and laugh when all you wanted to hide and weep. Those little victories, make all the difference. Although, often, our battles do not leave us unmarked. They're like a predator marking their territory. They leave you with burdens you can't carry, Secrets you can't share, Memories you're constantly trying to forget, Every time they bring a different kind of ache to your heart, one that you seldom stomach, And I know that you mostly wonder, What's the whole point ? What's the point of wanting what you can't have ? Trying over and ov...

First, I have to get out of this place, I have to leave this claustrophobic room, I am already at the door, Please forgive me. I have only a moment to reflect on the pain before it engulfs me, The accompanying humiliation will not allow me much more than that, A traitor, Who doesn't deserve to live, I am so stunned that for a moment I can't even move, We don't forgive. I am pressing my fist to my mouth, Because truth is, I am nothing but a coward, And some days I wonder why I insist on keeping myself alive. I take another steady breath, You'll be alright, we promise. I am no longer feeling gracious. I am surprised to discover how much I enjoy the bitterness. I fall against the wall and crumble to the floor, I collapse, But now, they're here, They're holding guns, And pointing it at my head, Pointing it at my heart, What is happening to me ?

I have lost my words. I lost them somewhere in a pile of papers, unfinished, scribbled down on pages, discarded, like a neglected child. I have lost my voice. I think I have lost it in a canyon with no echo, or maybe I've forgotten that I have one to begin with, how can I dare to speak when I know everything coming out of my mouth is a failed attempt of tenderness ? I think I have lost my mind. Trying to figure out how to be. The riot of emotion in side my chest hurts , and my soul is bruised. The constant battle is wearing me out, Draining me, Drowning me. I don't know how to breathe, I don't know how to be. With so many rules set out, and so many laws I seem to be ignorant of, I have lost so many times, Against the people I love, Against myself, Against the world. I try to tell myself that I am okay. Like useless words of condolences coupled with genuine sympathy, I tell myself that I will be okay, Like the frail promise of cure to a terminal illness, ...