Wilted Words

I feel this sadness like a lump in my throat. Like a veil draped over my head, covering my face, not letting me see anything good. Some times I find the willpower to fight it. Most days I don't. It is too much it is too much it is too much. There is no way my body can handle it or kick it out of my system. This sadness is a parasite, it managed to camouflage itself past my immune system, rendering me defenseless against it. I can feel it in my heart, the poisoned Ivy latched on it, attached to my veins and arteries. I am becoming it. I tried resisting it, but I wasn't aware of my weakness until I came across it. At first I thought it was better than the numbness, I thought this was proof that I am still capable of feeling something. Little did I know the magnitude of these tsunamis, little did I care back then. But now I pray every night for it to leave me. I want to be normal, I want to feel normal. What do normal people when they have an excess of emotions, of deep co...

I am at the front door holding the key of the apartment in my hand. I can feel the cold metal pressed against my skin. If I unlock this door I'll be home. Alone. Again. My hand is trembling, it is shaking.... Inside this place every inch is familiar, every corner is memorized, every thing is still and dull and lonesome. Even my guests room is disappointed with the lack of company. If I get inside I will be alone. Again. With no one but my self up against all my poisonous thoughts. The fire squad. Every thought is bullet. A bullet that doesn't necessarily hit me but it definitely deafens me and I don't get a chance to recover from the chaos to be shoot at with another bullet again. Sometimes they do hit me and I just watch myself bleed and I wish if I die then but I don't. In the safety of darkness, they creep up on my skin, the false sense of safety keeps me occupied. I am safe. I am alone and I am safe. But I am not. I know I am not. Theses thoughts don't p...

I have always wondered, what is the worst of human emotions ? I thought about it a lot before I realised that the answer is so obvious, the worst feeling a person could feel is loneliness.  Especially the an unyielding constant kind, the persistent kind, the one tugging at your selves, an ever present reminder of all the things you want and can't have, your longing for human connection, your longing to belong, your essential need to give, to need and to be needed just the same. It is absolutely the worst, because it induces rage and sadness and all kinds of awful feelings, it brings out your bitterness and envy, and to top it all, it makes you feel worthless, maybe they are right, maybe something is wrong with you, maybe you don't deserve it, maybe you are so screwed up, and all these questions well up to the surface, they punch you in the heart without mercy, and as much as you try to neglect them and brush them, the voices in your head will whisper them to you so often that ...

I have ten fingers, and ten toes. I have nine t-shirts, eight pairs of shoes, seven trousers and six friends, I have five pens and four limbs, I have three siblings, I have two kidneys, two lungs, two ears, two eyes, I have one mouth, one heart, one brain, and infinite words, infinite thoughts. these are the only things I am sure of today. I am sure of facts and facts only. of simple profound factual things, like the rising sun and the chirping birds outside, I am sure of the traffic and the polluted air and the couple arguing next door, I am sure of things that I can see, hear or smell, I am sure that the speed of light is still the same and that the Earth is still rotating around the sun, around itself. But, what I am not sure of is the real problem here, I am not sure of how I like my tea anymore, or if I even like it to begin with. I am not sure about the clear sky because there is still a possibility that it might rain, I am not sure I want what I want, feel what I feel ...

If you walk down a road everyday for a period of time, you will eventually memorize it. Or to more accurately, your body does. It is as if your body has developed a memory of its own, where it remembers the regular easy things you do. You can walk that road without focus and still not get lost. Your legs lead the way, knowing exactly how many steps to take. It's the same thing with braiding your hair, you do it by default, you don't think much about it while doing it. Your fingers twist your hair in a familiar way, knowing exactly what to do. It also occurs with many other things. You do them without concentrating, without your full attention, and as soon as your body learns something there is no undoing it. You can't un-teach your nose the smell of fresh roses or his perfume. You can't stop your mouth from humming that song you learned in third grade or his name. You fingers will always know how to knot a tie and how the spot in the between his shoulder blades fe...

I don't remember the day we first met in details, I just remember your polite calculated smile, your short nods, the rare  comments on subject you weren't interested in and the short forced compliments. I remember how off looking that scene was, you in a crowed, with people you claimed to be your friends and cigarettes you pretended to like smoking. Like rainbow in a night sky. Intriguing, but off. I introduced myself and was instantly hooked. I loved how much you knew about rain forests and what species are in threat of extinction. I got really interested in what you know about the stars and planets and other galaxies. We discussed NDE's and mental illness and bad poetry. I enjoyed talking to you about all the things that I didn't knew and I was amused by how much you knew about the world. And I thought to myself, here is someone who can teach something. And as intelligent and intellectual you were, there is one thing you didn't know about. The night I to...

Dear you, Sorry that it took me too long to write back, I have been trying to avoid this confrontation, but there is no point in doing that anymore. I didn't know how to start this, I already wrote a few letters and threw them all away. So I figured I'll just be spontaneous and write whatever comes to my mind. I want to tell you a few things that I am sure you know, even when you don't have anyone to remind you of them. First of all, you are loved by your family and friends and the universe, it doesn't matter if that one person you loved the most doesn't love you anymore, that lost love was once real, and that's more than many people ever had. Second, I want to tell you how strong and brave you are, I know that right now you are swirling in the quick sand of a transitional grey state. I know how hard it is for you. I know that you wake up every day hoping that this will be the last day in this maze, and you wake up the next day just as broken as you were the ...