Wilted Words

I have always wondered, what is the worst of human emotions ? I thought about it a lot before I realised that the answer is so obvious, the worst feeling a person could feel is loneliness.  Especially the an unyielding constant kind, the persistent kind, the one tugging at your selves, an ever present reminder of all the things you want and can't have, your longing for human connection, your longing to belong, your essential need to give, to need and to be needed just the same. It is absolutely the worst, because it induces rage and sadness and all kinds of awful feelings, it brings out your bitterness and envy, and to top it all, it makes you feel worthless, maybe they are right, maybe something is wrong with you, maybe you don't deserve it, maybe you are so screwed up, and all these questions well up to the surface, they punch you in the heart without mercy, and as much as you try to neglect them and brush them, the voices in your head will whisper them to you so often that ...

I have ten fingers, and ten toes. I have nine t-shirts, eight pairs of shoes, seven trousers and six friends, I have five pens and four limbs, I have three siblings, I have two kidneys, two lungs, two ears, two eyes, I have one mouth, one heart, one brain, and infinite words, infinite thoughts. these are the only things I am sure of today. I am sure of facts and facts only. of simple profound factual things, like the rising sun and the chirping birds outside, I am sure of the traffic and the polluted air and the couple arguing next door, I am sure of things that I can see, hear or smell, I am sure that the speed of light is still the same and that the Earth is still rotating around the sun, around itself. But, what I am not sure of is the real problem here, I am not sure of how I like my tea anymore, or if I even like it to begin with. I am not sure about the clear sky because there is still a possibility that it might rain, I am not sure I want what I want, feel what I feel ...